I need help. I simply don't know how to stay afloat anymore...
Of course, I'm not talking about water. I'm talking about life, and specifically, work. Yesterday I finally hit my breaking point, and I fully admit I cried much of the day. Today I managed to limit my tears to my lunch break.
I don't want to go into too many details, however I'm at the point where I'm finding it harder and harder to keep it together. I'm tired of getting yelled at by those I'm trying to help. I'm tired of being blamed for things I didn't do or say. I'm tired of being reprimanded for not giving answers I'm not authorized (nor able) to give. I'm tired of bending over backwards to make a complicated process go smoothly for someone, only to be told I'm not bending far enough. I'm tired of being asked to take responsibility for a slow government approval process stateside and at the same time, for the decisions being made by a Communist country half a world away. I'm just really tired.
While those close to me know what's been going on and have been able to see the change in my world, I've been putting on a good face for most everybody else, being rather unspecific about the stresses related to my job and how I've been feeling lately. I guess I just don't want to seem overly pessimistic about things.
Although I'm usually a fairly positive person, I think I've begun to see and (sadly) expect less-than-positive things in my work life. Frequent great days have slowly become frequent good days and have since slipped to occasional okay days. And some weeks it seems that I have more not-so-okay days than the okay ones.
And all this stress is starting to take a toll on my health. I'm physically exhausted, I've come to expect semi-intense headaches at least twice a week, and I haven't had a solid night of sleep for close to a month. My evenings and weekends spent with those I love are so precious to me, yet I'm finding myself not at the top of my game during those moments either. I'm emotionally sinking.
The strange part is, underneath it all, I still like what I do. At the foundation of it all, adoption is good. And I think for the most part, the families are good. The social workers are good, and the orphanage workers in China are good. There are usually good intentions by all involved. Perhaps that's why I struggle so much. I fight the current that keeps pushing against me, all the while understanding and believing that the water I'm standing in is bringing about a positive change to all hearts involved and in the bigger picture, to the world.
Still, feeling undervalued, unsupported, overwhelmed and unappreciated does not feel good. I know that for the most part, I just happen to be the only one folks have to direct their energy to during this stressful time. Intellectually, I know I'm doing a great job and am serving families to the best of my ability and that what is coming at me doesn't really have anything to do with me. Still, it hurts the heart.
I'm tired of working so hard to keep myself from sinking beneath the surface. I can only tread water so long. If I don't figure out how to swim soon (and swim in a way so that I again enjoy all that I love about this work), I may have to exit from this water and find some other pool to play in.
