Soaking up Blake

So we're less than 3 weeks away from "full term," and when our twin boys will be born into this world.  We're still figuring out how we'd like that to look, assuming all goes according to plan--(more on that in a separate post later)--however know that our time as a family of three is quickly coming to a close.  As excited as I am to meet the next two members of our family, thinking of the transition is a bittersweet one.

My time with Blake as an only child is down to a number of days, and I don't want to miss anything.  I just want to soak up every little bit of him I can, hold it close to my heart, and remember it forever.  These days will never be again, and soon, Blake won't be the only little boy to have a piece of my heart and/or need/want my attention. 

Not only do I have fears of letting him down in someway (I don't remember when I became a big sister, but have been told numerous times of how I was caught stepping on my brother's back several times shortly after he came home--so I can only imagine I was in some way struggling with the new little attention-getter that had invaded my space), but I also am grieving the loss of how life might be with him as an only child until the age of 2 or more, as Raleigh and I had imagined in our heads.  We will do all that we can to celebrate him individually and encourage his growth accordingly, but are realistic enough to know some things we'd expected to see or do with him might not happen (at least in the same way as we had originally envisioned).  Pregnancy so soon--with twins--has definitely been a game-changer.

I don't want to be too distracted with two more children so as to miss something important in his life.  I don't want him to feel second (or third) best, or really, anything less than the incredible son who is loved beyond words as he is now, just because we have two more little guys living under our roof.

I know, I know . . . "he's so little he won't know any different."  And maybe as a 5 or 10 or 30 year old, that will be true.  But I know--and as his mother I mean I know--he WILL know something is happening and he will sense a difference, even if he doesn't remember it later.  Three weeks from now, life in our family will NOT be the same.  He may just not be able to tell us with words how he feels.  And I so very much want to this adventure to be one that not only has a happy ending, but a happy journey to the ending as well.  And I don't want Blake to feel caught in the middle.

The clock is ticking, and there's still much to be done.  So, I'm taking this time to soak him up and delight in everything he is and everything he's becoming--including a big brother to twins.  I'm finding that the laundry is piling up as I play with Blake on the floor--guilt free.  I'm trading the logical and oh-so-necessary task of organizing for the fine art of making a mess (toys, dishes, blankets--anything we play with, really).  I'm spending my time singing silly songs and making funny noises, stretching out pre-nap and pre-bed rituals just to enjoy a little extra time with him, letting him sleep on my chest longer than usual before laying him in his crib, reading more stories than is generally allotted before bedtime, etc.  I want him to always know he is special and loved, no matter how many children we have.  And I'm not going to let the next three weeks pass without enjoying what I can of my time with him, and vise-versa.  These days are special.

In sharing these thoughts with a friend recently, I was reminded that for a little while, it may be divided attention, but it will never be divided love.  And the fundamental basis to that is that love does not divide--it multiplies.  That's it.  And in our family, it will multiply exponentially as we welcome two more little ones at once, growing from a family with one beautiful boy to three!  Knowing how much love we have surging through our circle already, it's difficult to imagine how much will abound and flow through our family then!

Here's to 3 full weeks (and not a moment less, God-willing) of soaking up Blake and delighting in his being.  AND . . . once the next two boys are here, continuing that practice . . . in just a slightly different way.

Blake enjoying his birthday cake.  

(We celebrated about a month early to ensure he got to feel as loved and special as he is, knowing that on his actual birthday he will have two little brothers to celebrate with him as well!)

Beautiful

I feel like I am as heavy as a whale. I waddle like a duck. I am about as quick as a turtle and roll over as easily as one too. My clothes don't fit well and my ankles have morphed into large sausage-like rolls that extend from my calves to my toes. The stretch marks across my belly are deep red and purple and my belly button is inverted halfway, oddly visible through the front of my clothes. I breathe heavy doing, well...nearly anything, and feel exhausted most of the time. Some days I don't even feel human, let alone pretty.

And yet every day--every single day--I am reminded of this reality, of how I look:
Adorable. Cute. Pretty. Flickin' Hot. Sexy. Beautiful.
He says it with words, he shows me with gestures. I may complain about this or that ("My hips are so wide!" or "How ugly are my cankles?!" or "I look incredibly large in this shirt."), however his response is the same, and I am reminded of how beautiful I am--even now--when I often feel anything but.

Now THAT is beautiful. And so am I.

Thank you, it's true. :)

TRUST.

2013.  It's a new year.  With new possibilities, new life, new love.  A chance to begin again and a chance to continue on.

Whether we like it or not, it will be everything we create it to be.  I've learned that's just how life works, and have embraced this idea (somewhat reluctantly at times) to help me adjust my attitude accordingly.  Do I want things to be difficult or easy?  Do I want to focus on all the beautiful and good I have before and around me, or just the pain and hardships?  (Give this one a shot, and you'll find you'll experience more of what you focus on, whether it's something you want or not.)  Do I want more of the same, or something completely different?  It's largely my choice, and how I choose to perceive and respond to any given situation.

So in thinking about this upcoming year, what do I want it to look like?  Lord knows we have a lot on our plate and in many ways, I'm downright terrified.  There are so many questions we don't have answers to, and so many "plans" that--since they remain in the future--remain unfulfilled.  And we know better than anyone that plans don't always work out as originally intended, and have therefore transformed our expectations into hopes--wishes for the future with great prayers backing each thought of how I'd like it to be.

2013.  What do I want to experience?  How do I want to feel?  How do I want to be?

Inspired by a friend's blog (http://www.inwardboundco.com/?p=1478) I decided to choose a word for this year, something that I could intentionally practice, that if I was more of, could/would support me in experiencing more of what I want to experience this year.  I thought of a word right away, yet chewed on it for awhile before making it official.  My word, for 2013: TRUST.

Trust God, that He truly knows what's best for me and my family this year (because it's His plan that's underway!), and will lead us in the right direction all the way around.  That He will provide for us, and remind us how much we are loved regardless of what may lie ahead.

Trust myself, that I will make good choices and do all that I need to for the well-being of myself and my family.

Trust Raleigh, that he will do the same on his end and that even when I cannot control certain pieces, he will manage what he can and things will be taken care of as needed.

Trust the doctors, that they support me in keeping our babies healthy through a full term pregnancy, and assist us in a smooth delivery of two healthy and strong baby boys.  And that if any situation presents itself that needs their expertise and knowledge to support us in making a decision about our care, that they will be able to guide us well, with great compassion and love.

Trust that we'll find adequate caregivers at the right time, to care not only for Blake, but his two brothers as well.  (Suggestions welcome!)

Trust that we'll financially be able to pull this off, and not only provide for our family of five with ease, but continue to share our blessings with others less fortunate.

Trust that others mean what they say, when they say it; believing offers of help and support from others are genuine and coming from the heart, versus being said out of obligation or because "that's just what you do".  And trust that when I accept these offers, I am not damaging the relationship with these folks and/or perpetuating any feelings of resentment or ingratitude.

TRUST . . . it is a daily challenge to live this word, and yet when I have done so wholeheartedly, have already seen great results.  Here's to more of it in the days, weeks, and months to come!