It's so strange having a baby and watching/experiencing your body change so much. Not just during pregnancy, but after too! (There is much I could say here, but will leave the details to your imagination.) Anyways, it's strange to be postpartum and not have any period, considering I was SO regular before getting pregnant with Blake. Even though the doctor's say that's normal and nothing to worry about, I did. It felt so weird for me in fact that on a whim I asked Raleigh to get a pregnancy test from the store. He did and a little over 3 weeks ago, I took the test--positive. Thought it HAD to be a fluke, so took the 2nd test in the morning--positive. STILL couldn't believe it (though the doctor said such tests rarely give false positives) and so requested a blood test the next day ("Ok, prove it to me," I thought)--positive. So there we have it--we're pregnant again!
After the positive blood test, we scheduled the ultrasound for the following week since I already had some time off from work. Because we don't have any "period" date to go off of, we knew we'd rely greatly on the ultrasound to determine how far along we are.
Well, we did have the ultrasound as scheduled and it revealed two very big things:
1. We were (at that time) 10 weeks along already. (Estimated due date March 8th--just about 2 weeks after Blake's 1st birthday.)
2. We are pregnant with twins.
Yes, you read that correctly--there were clearly two little heartbeats on the screen, and two little bodies making their moves. I don't think Raleigh or I could speak for several minutes.
I think you get the drift by our surprise that this wasn't our "plan" per say, but as Raleigh has reminded me, God's plan trumps ours every time! I mean, it HAS to be. Getting pregnant at any time is a big miracle. Take into consideration all the facts regarding our particular case at this particular time (I'll spare you the details but can assure you we are very responsible people) and us getting pregnant now is an even bigger miracle. And to be pregnant with twins when twins/multiples don't run in either side of the family . . . again, what are the odds?! So as we work to grasp our incredible reality, we truly believe that these children are another blessing from our Father above and we welcome them excitedly.
That being said, we are simultaneously TERRIFIED. Not only is a twin pregnancy considered "high risk" for all sorts of things (including pre-term labor and medical/health issues with the babies--super scary in its own right, especially after the trauma we experienced at the time of Blake's birth), but it is much more expensive as well. We have to see specialists from here on out, and our frequency of visits increases. This is all pregnancy-related costs of course, however after the babies come, we're in for some serious financial output as well. I mean, 3 kids within a little over a year?! Who does that?! (Don't answer that!)
We always knew we wanted more than one child, and had figured we'd at one point in time work to give Blake a sibling--we just didn't think it'd be so soon or that more than one child at once could even be a real possibility! We're still trying to wrap our heads around it and figure out exactly how this will work. (Where will we put another crib? What about TWO cribs?! What about day care? Is it even feasible for three? Time off from work for another maternity leave without pay or does it make more sense for me to stay home now? If I do stay home, how will that look financially, etc.?) There are just so many questions. But somewhere deep down, we have faith we'll figure that all out. At least I pray that the snippets of faith we feel now find a way to stay in our hearts and minds with a little more (and increasing) permanency as time goes on. Although it's getting better each and every day, we both feel fairly overwhelmed.
Now that we know where we're at, I'm feeling the push to tell people since we won't be able to keep the pregnancy a secret for long--I have already "popped" this past week and (at least to Raleigh and I), feel like I'm visibly pregnant. We're 12 weeks along now and showing like I did at 16 weeks (or later) with Blake. I do have some anxiety telling folks (not including my side of the family and close friends, who know our character and love us unconditionally), as I don't want people projecting negative thoughts/images onto our children, making any implication that they were/not wanted. Truth is, these children WERE wanted AND loved before they were even conceived; the unscheduled timing of their arrival doesn't change that fact.
Still, I am in a bit of shock about it all and still processing. (At least as of the ultrasound appointment) I weigh less now than I did before we were pregnant with Blake, and besides having the appetite of a sumo wrestler, still don't have ANY "regular" pregnancy symptoms. If I didn't take the test on the whim, I'm not sure when I'd find out. (I asked the doctor and he said I'd probably figure it out when I'm about 16 weeks with a hard and abnormally large belly and/or felt "something" moving around in there.) That would have really freaked me out! And to think I used to make fun of those girls on television who say they never knew they were pregnant!
As we think ahead of how the next few months will go, I feel pretty scared, moreso than when we were pregnant with Blake, probably because now I feel like I KNOW what we've gotten ourselves into. And Blake is such a good baby--if our hands are joyfully full with him, how in the world can we take on another two, even if they are angels themselves?!
Still, it will be ok. We don't know how exactly, however we really, truly believe that. And Blake is going to be an awesome big brother; we have no questions there either. :)
If you're reading this blog I'm assuming it's because you know Raleigh and/or I and love us as family. As such (and it might be obvious), I'm asking that you PLEASE pray for us--all 5 of us. Pray that Raleigh and I make good choices . . . about everything. Pray that Blake continues to feel loved and cared for, and transitions to his role of big brother well/easily. Pray for a healthy and smooth pregnancy, and smooth delivery of two very healthy babies (preferably, AFTER Blake's first birthday, if at all possible). Pray that I can make it "full term" (which is different for twins, I hear), and the details of "how in the world are we going to do this?!" somehow fall into place and become clear. Pray, pray, pray. It's about all we can do right now as well!
