A Love Note?

Blake crawls all over the place now, and his hands are on anything he can reach.  Every day he spends some time in our bedroom, as Raleigh and I are getting ready in the morning, putting away clothes, or preparing for bedtime at night.  He checks out our closet, inspects any baskets or bags on the floor, stands at the middle drawer in our master bathroom (and pulls out what bottles/containers he can reach), etc.  He literally is EVERYWHERE.

One of his regular stops is the little bookshelf in the corner of the bedroom, next to (generally) my side of the bed.  For weeks he's pulled out several books (which I lovingly put back into place once he's done), thumbed through them, and left them on the floor.

But lately . . . it's only been one book he's pulled out and left.  And once he pulls it, he seems to be satisfied and moves on his trek across the rest of our space.  He doesn't flip through the pages or attempt to rip off the cover.  He just pulls it out and moves on.

I had noticed I'd been putting the same book back for over a week now, but really didn't put much thought into it.  That is, until Raleigh said something last night as we were preparing for bed, and he had picked up the book from the floor.

"Have you noticed that Blake's only been pulling this book lately, In the Arms of Angels?"

"Yeah," I said, stopping to think about it.  "That was the book I took with me to South Dakota and read to Grandma just a few weeks before she flew away."  (The book is a collection of real-life stories of folks who believe they've encountered angels here on Earth.  Click here to read about the amazing story about Grandma when she flew away--a miracle in its own right!)

"I know," he said.  "I just wonder if she or God is trying to tell us something."

---

So this morning as Blake is wandering around the room and I'm doing my thing getting dressed and ready for the day, my eye catches as he wanders to the bookshelf and without thinking, pulls the book from the shelf, places it on the floor behind him, and then quickly crawls away.

I sit down on the floor, slide him next to me, and ask him why he keeps choosing to check out this special book.

"Is there a particular section you want me to read?" I ask.  He stares at me with big eyes, pacifier in his mouth, turns and travels on.  "Ok," I thought, "maybe not."

I went ahead and opened the book somewhere in the middle, and began reading.  Here are the first words that I see/read: 

There is an old saying that before a baby is born,

God kisses its soul.

And as its guardian angel bears it earthward to its little body,

he sings.

Is there, in my subconscious self,

still a dim memory of that kiss,

a faint echo of that song?

That's it.  I could read no more.  My eyes were brimming with tears.

Especially once I became pregnant with Blake (which was only a  few weeks after she left us), I've felt that Grandma Ruth was definitely watching over us (and him specifically) as one of his guardian angels.  And I felt her presence more than I can tell you when we watched over his little body as he lay on the cooling bed in the NICU, unsure of what the future held for our family.  And now, as I prepare to welcome two more (and still unsure of many things), I often talk to her, certain that she is watching over her next two great-grandsons as well.

I don't know exactly what she may be attempting to tell me, other than "Yes, we are here . . ." But even that--as we enter these last couple weeks and face all sorts of fears and uncertainty, as we work to hold onto faith and hope that all will be well--is a great message of great love.  We are not alone in this journey, and of THAT I am most certain.

The hardest part . . .

What can I say? We are BLOWN AWAY.

When we found out we were expecting twins, we of course immediately started thinking of all that we would need in order to adequately prepare ourselves and our home for the addition of two more Elstuns. And as I've mentioned before, we were scared. Caring for one child is challenging enough, but two more? And so soon? Could we really do it? With regards to finances specifically, would we really be ok?

In so many ways, it felt like God was giving us more than we would be able to handle.

So when we announced we were expecting twins, we were both humbled and surprised at the outpouring of support we have received . . . and without us even asking!

Diaper drives and a double stroller fund. Hand-me-down clothes and crib sheets. Cash. Gift cards. Promises of meals post-babies (this is Raleigh's favorite!). New clothes and toys. Coupons. Beautiful cards of well wishes and offers to come over and help with laundry, cooking, cleaning, babysitting . . . whatever we need. (Even a secret "help-keep-Kim-off-her-feet-and-keep-these-boys-cooking" campaign orchestrated by my loving husband.) Even very thoughtful gifts to include Blake, in celebration of him becoming an older brother.

We've received gifts from family, from friends, from friends of friends, from coworkers, from Blake's current day care provider, from complete strangers even (truly--people we've never even heard of!).

All that being said, why is receiving gifts/support sometimes so difficult?

• My cousin offered to host a "shower by mail" for out of town family and friends. I said she didn't have to, yet she did anyways.
• Some of my coworkers have insisted on throwing me a shower for the boys, however I adamantly refused. Finally talking them down to a "sprinkle" to be held during an already-scheduled community lunch hour, they've agreed (but have lovingly told me to "get over" their refusal of my request for a "downplayed" celebration).
• I've caught myself answering folks' offers for help or gifts with "Oh, you don't have to do that!" or "That's so sweet of you, but we'll be ok . . ." as if my polite rejection of their kind offer will somehow spare them a burden of doing something they want to . . . (silly, huh?).

We've said "thank you" and are genuinely grateful for all that folks are doing for us (trust me, it does relieve some of the feelings of overwhelm we've quickly become accustomed to), yet Raleigh and I have agreed--this is hard. RECEIVING support can be hard and has definitely made us uncomfortable on a variety of levels. But why?

I cannot tell if it is a worthiness thing (we feel like we are undeserving of such attention and acts of great love), or if it is a guilt thing (knowing we just did this a year ago for Blake's birth), or if it's something else?

We are usually on the giving end of the equation, and find great joy in that (even when we give anonymously); it's just who we are and what we believe. To find ourselves on the other end has been quite a change though, and truly, we have been humbled. This is a growing process for sure, and there is no doubt we are loved.

Sigh. So continue on we will, and are grateful for all that comes our way. And as difficult as it may be, we will work to intentionally push aside any thoughts that discount our worthiness to receive anything given to us by those who love and care for our family.

Sometimes, that can be the hardest part . . .

So in an effort to embrace that plan (despite my difficulty in doing so), here goes--the ask: We still want (and need) support.

First and foremost, we need prayers. For the boys to continue growing well inside my belly until week 37 (which starts on 2/15), when they can be born healthy and strong via a delivery process that is smooth and perfect as well.  (I have had a few contractions over the past few days, and realize it's my body's way of telling me to SLOW DOWN.  Prayers that I do this well, as that's not something a go-getter like me often does naturally.)

For help. I have NO IDEA what it will look like to have newborn twins at home, and am not really sure if I can "prepare" for that reality. I think in some ways, we'll just have to figure it out as we live through it, and appreciate the offers (and follow-through!) of those who are willing to walk alongside us during that time as well. (One specific request I know we'll have--which was VERY helpful after we came home with Blake--was prepared meals for us to eat, so we didn't have to spend too much time in the kitchen or at the grocery store. Raleigh in particular is hoping we will be blessed as well as we were last time in this area!)

Whew!  I did it!  :)

Now to continue to rest and be grateful for (and welcome with open arms) all the gifts/blessings we have in our lives--people like YOU included!