For anyone that's been following us, you've known that our quest to find a home that suits our family did not quite go as we had planned--leaving us cramped in a 2 bedroom apartment as we sold our old home and needed to move out before we were able to locate another one.
It's been hard--and not just on the physical front of being in a place that was too small for us (literally). Emotionally, it seemed like nothing (after the sale of our home went through) was going our way and our hearts were getting very weary. We looked at more homes than I can count, and even put an offer in on one (that we thought we loved). When that offer ($21K over asking price with other conditions favorable to the seller) didn't stick, we became even more discouraged in our quest.
The questions got louder: What was God trying to tell us? Was this (taking the leap to sell our home to find something that fit our growing family better) a bad idea? Which preferences/criteria (if any) should we let go of? How long should we keep trying before settling to get us in a home before this baby comes? How do we stay calm and trust when that "panic" starts to set in? (And folks, it really did start to set in.)
Still, through it all, we kept praying. And we kept hoping. And we kept praying. And we asked for those who care about us to keep praying and hoping (and encouraging) as well. Thank you to everyone who held the vision of our family in a home that suits us well even when we had difficulty holding onto that vision ourselves!
As we struggled through the transition of closing on our old home--and then having to move out--all without a permanent place to go, the one thing I kept hearing (both internally and from good, honest, faithful friends and family) was "Surrender. Trust that it will work out and it will. God will take care of you. He always has, and He always will. God is good--ALL THE TIME."
The funny thing is, although I knew/know this to be true, I started to doubt this more and more as the days passed by and no real prospects came to light. And I finally hit my low on the day I had to hand the keys to our old home over to the new owner. I drove away from the house in which Raleigh and I had made a home for several years in tears--choking back sobs, really--wondering where (and how) God was leading our family.
I headed south towards a home that was first allowing showings that day, and started talking/praying to God out loud. I questioned His motives for allowing us to become "homeless," expressed anger in the double-edged sword a hot housing market is for someone wanting to sell AND buy, and lamented that time was running out as we approached the holidays and the birth of our fourth child. Now what was I to do? How could He do this to us (and/or allow us to do this to ourselves)?! Where was the "glory" in this story, and how was any reality we had before us going to bring Him honor? In my mind, it wasn't looking good and it appeared more and more like we were being set up to remain miserable.
In between my rant/cry, I caught the lyrics of a song playing on the radio. They said, "So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away, You're not alone, stop holding on . . .Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place . . ."
SURRENDER . . . I heard it in my heart again.
LET GO.
TRUST.
"Yeah, right," I thought. Easier said than done. Yet even after that quick dismissal, I found myself praying again that somehow, there was truth in the words of the song I'd just heard and that a bigger picture was being painted beyond what I could see.
It turns out that yes--a bigger picture was definitely in the works, as that home I went to see is now ours! And it's everything that Raleigh and I had wanted--and more!--meeting EVERY single criteria we had thrown out there, which is something that honestly, we had not yet seen in a single house until that point in time. And our offer stuck, despite several other offers (I think 5?) being made on the same property, all at a higher price point!
I've heard that song again many times since our offer was accepted, and the words have indeed helped me to focus on the reality that was unfolding in front of my eyes, even though what I could see didn't seem that beautiful (or promising) at all. That thought/reality I'm sure is playing out in other areas of my life as well, which has helped me adjust my perspective on those as well. Where else is He working to bring about something more wonderful than I can imagine?
Here are the lyrics in full:
"Just Be Held" by Casting CrownsThis song is a new favorite of mine, and likely will stay that way for a long while. It's good to remember that no matter what, God is on the throne. And He is good--ALL THE TIME.Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who wont let go
My permanent home is not in the beautiful house that Raleigh and I will hopefully raise our family for many years to come--although that is a gift in and of itself for sure--but rather in His arms. Home sweet HOME!
