I Remember . . .

Once I stepped through the doors, I smelled it almost immediately . . . the NICU.  One glance at Raleigh and it was clear he was right there with me: "Do you feel those tingles?" he asked.  I nodded and continued on silently.  Slowly, the NICU doors came into view and a chill swept through my body as my heart began to race; we've been here before.

It's amazing how much sensory memory we have, and how something as simple as a light smell can transport us back in time to (at least in this case) a place that in some ways, I'd rather forget.  However I cannot forget, and last night, I most definitely--and vividly--remember . . .

I remember the sounds of the automatic doors opening, the deep rattle of the buzzer that unlocks the doors to the land of babies who need lots of love and attention (only those that need to enter do!), and the sounds of the monitors attached to every child to watch for oxygen and heart rate levels.  I remember the quietness of the floor as we trekked through still and empty hallways while other patients were sleeping, headed towards the chaos of the always-bustling NICU--wishing that I, too, could find some time and space to rest.  I remember kissing Blake before leaving his bedside, praying that he'd be in a better condition when I came back, and we'd be closer to going home as a family.  I remember climbing into my cold and sterile hospital bed at night, wishing I could cuddle with my baby on my chest like moms in other rooms were doing and/or have my husband hold me tight, just so I could feel his physical presence as I drifted off for a few minutes of restless sleep.  I remember digging through my suitcase looking for clean clothes to wear, realizing that 3 days' worth of postpartum outfits was not going to suffice for a 2+ week stay.  I remember looking out the window onto the city streets below, and wondering how in the world everyone could just carry on with their lives--walking their dog, laughing with a friend at lunch, casually chatting it up at a bus stop--all while our world seemed to stand still as we held our breath waiting for news that our baby boy was indeed getting better and would one day, come home with us.

In some ways, it looked so familiar last night.  And in others, so very different.  Familiar in that we knew where we were and what life can look like inside those walls.  Different, primarily because we weren't living there; we were just visitors, passing through.  This time, I didn't have to stay.  And Blake was in my arms.

The group of folks we were with (mainly first time parents) were all enamored with the details . . . the ipod docking stations in the private labor/delivery rooms, the dimable lights on the walls, the fireplace in the family waiting area, full wi-fi access, the jacuzzi tubs, the cute decorations with baby hand prints and footprints adorning walls and walkways, the kitchenettes for late night snacks and treats, etc. . . . all the little things that although cool at first, in our experience, didn't play much of a role at all when it came to welcoming our kiddo into this world and getting him healthy enough to come home.  We barely spent 4 hours enjoying those details (if at all) before my life turned upside down and Raleigh was scrambling to get into hospital scrubs and follow me down the hallway to the operating room.  My oh my, how quickly things can change.

Last night as we took another maternity tour at the hospital (just to be sure nothing had changed since we were there earlier this year for Blake's birth), my heart swelled with joy and ached with memory at the same time.  I had no idea how walking those halls again, seeing the rooms, hearing the hustle and bustle of a busy maternity ward would stir my heart . . . yet it did.  Last time we were here, I was too overwhelmed to take much in, and once things became "routine" amongst our time in the Mother/Baby Unit (where I was without my baby) and the NICU (our home away from home, essentially), we were more on survival mode than anything.  Boy, a place sure does look different when you're looking through those lenses.

So, I remember . . . and choose to look back at that time in our lives as one that shaped our family for the better.  It wasn't easy by any means, however one look at my beautiful baby boy and I realize it was all worth it and together, we grew so much.  And if we find ourselves in a similar situation again (hoping not, but being prepared for the possibility), I know that we will pull through and one day, will again pass by the doors that don't hold our current life, but rather, just a memory.  One that I choose to hold onto.

Club Member

So over the past few months it's become very clear, very fast--being parents to twins (and identical twins at that!) is not something many can say.  It appears we are indeed members of quite an exclusive club.

That being said, I've been asked the following questions quite a few times and realize that unless I was not in the middle of experiencing this adventure (and trust me, learning TONS as we go!), would probably be wondering the same.  So, here's a quick recap of my experience with regards to carrying twins, knowing full well that next month may look different that this one, and/or that other moms of twins might answer the questions very differently for themselves:

Q: Does it feel different having two squirming bodies play/roll/kick inside versus just one?
A: Not really--to me, it feels nearly the same to have these two boys moving inside as it felt when Blake was still swimming and growing.  Perhaps that's because I hardly ever feel both babies move at the same time (they'd BETTER get on the same schedule before arrival, that's for sure!) and so in general the movements feel the same, they just alter between my left and right front abdominal sides (which was how Blake felt as he turned around in my belly).

Q: If it really doesn't feel different to have two babies inside, does this pregnancy as a whole feel the same as it did when you had a singleton?
A: Most definitely NOT!  I feel like this pregnancy is moving along at a much faster clip than Blake's did, and I think Raleigh would agree.  Now, that could partially be because we found out we were pregnant ten weeks in so the first trimester was nearly complete before we learned we were expecting (talk about starting a race one-third of the way through!).  However having two babies inside means that I feel like I'm twice as far along at each step than I did with Blake.  My back hurts likes the dickens ALL THE TIME (not an issue for me with Blake until nearly the end).  And I'm bigger than I was at 26 weeks with Blake too (for obvious reasons).  I get winded much more quickly, have to pee far more often, my belly button is nearly inside out (a new experience for me), and am growing out of my clothes at a much faster pace.  As long as these babies stay in as long as they're supposed to, though (at least to 37 weeks, we pray), then I know the discomfort I feel now and in the weeks to come will all be worth it.

Q: How do you keep the babies straight?  (In other words, how can I tell who is who while in utero?)
A: From our first appointment with the specialist (called a perinatologist, for those who want to know), the doctors labeled the baby closest to my cervix as "Baby A" and the other one as "Baby B".  They can each flip/turn around in their own sacs, but their sacs cannot change places within my uterus (since they are attached/secured by the placenta, which they share).  Therefore Baby A is the one always on my right side and Baby is the one on my left.  Kicks on the right are therefore from Baby A and kicks on the left are from Baby B.  Depending on their vertical position (head up or head down), I can sometimes be unsure of who is kicking me near the lungs, and who is pushing my belly from below ("Was that Baby A or Baby B?").  However, they are starting to each have their own pattern of movement and I think I can usually tell them apart.  Baby B is my feisty one, always kicking HARD and forcefully pushing and rolling against my abdominal wall; he's fairly quick with his movements too, giving me fast jabs to the gut (and bladder!) when he feels the need.  Baby A is much more gentle and slow going, making soft roll-over movements here and light pressure kicks there.  I'm excited to see if this is just how they are moving at this stage in the pregnancy and/or if these traits will follow them to the outside world . . .
**On a side note, after Baby A appeared to be flipping us the bird during the last ultrasound, the doctor hypothesized that maybe Baby A was the feisty one, and that his movements seem lighter than Baby B's only because he's kicking and pushing against his brother instead of me!  I guess time will tell on this one!  :)

Q: Since the boys are twins (and identical at that), you're going to dress them in matching outfits, right?
A: Believe it or not, but identical clothing is not a requirement for identical twins.  (I checked, and there is no manual!)  And Raleigh and I have talked about it a lot, and very quickly came to the agreement that we don't want our boys to feel like they're only a person of value when they're part of the eye-catching twin duo (face it--folks are FASCINATED by twins!).  Instead, we want them to feel special as they are, all the time, simply because they are each uniquely wonderful and amazing.  We are therefore doing what we can to celebrate their differences (whatever they may be) and encourage them to be their own person, regardless of what their brothers (Blake included) might be/do.  Of course if they look and do the same things as their brothers simply because they are brothers and close in age (and/or because they want to), that's ok--we just don't want them to feel forced to be like this and/or make anything negative up about their individual worth since they were conceived and born as a pair.  Nothing against parents of twins who found matching outfits cutesy and/or entertaining, however we will purposefully be making a different choice for our boys--at least for now.

I think that's it for now, but am sure other questions will continue to pop up.  And as I receive them, I'll ponder them and answer them honestly.  We are still learning what being members of this exclusive club is all about, and what the benefits of membership are.  The cost is high, however I believe the rewards will be even higher.  Here's to a lifetime membership!

What a difference two weeks can make!

So . . . two weeks ago we left the doctor's office feeling quite nervous and very helpless.  The boys weighed one ounce from a pound (Baby A, one under and Baby B, one over) and that 2 oz. discrepancy placed them at a 13-15% weight difference.  The "worry" benchmark for Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) would be at 20%, and even upon calm prompting, the doctor refused to tell us what our next steps would be should we hit that not-so-great number, citing the fact that all I would do was worry, and that wouldn't help any of the three of us in any positive way.  (He also forbade us to do any research on our own, since what is online doesn't give the whole picture and as he put it, "It's pretty scary stuff.")

And so we left, knowing full well there is nothing either one of us can do to change the blood flow within the placenta and/or the way the babies are sharing their source of food and nutrients.  All we could do was pray.

And so we did.  And just one day shy of two weeks later, we returned to the doctor's office . . .

Dr. Stark let us listen to their heartbeats first and foremost, so that we could have some audio confirmation as to how they're doing.  155 and 153 beats per minute . . . good.  We still held our breath.  First came Baby A . . . in the breech position (he turned again!), and measurements were taken--head circumference and femur length.  The ultrasound tech quickly typed notes into the computer system.  Dr. Stark sat near my feet, one hand on my leg, watching the screen in silence.  Then came Baby B . . . head down (he must have flipped too!), and again, measurements.  More typing.

Dr. Stark turns towards both Raleigh and I, and said, "Well, just eyeballing it here . . . I don't see any evidence of twin-to-twin."  I think we both let out a sigh of relief and I'm pretty sure, a tear of gratitude ran down my cheek just as I looked heavenward to thank the Lord and all of our family's angels.

By the time the appointment was over, we learned that Baby B had grown 5 more ounces (weighing a total of 1 lb, 6 oz.) and Baby A had closed the gap by growing 6 more ounces (weighing a total of 1 lb., 5 oz.)  Not only are they measuring where they should on the singleton weight chart for 24 weekers, but now that they're bigger, the 1 ounce difference between the two means less, and their weight discrepancy is a mere 4.5%--less than half the ideal maximum of 10%.  Hooray!  We are SO happy!

THANK YOU to all who prayed along with us for the past two weeks, and who continue to keep all 5 of us in thoughts and prayers during the coming weeks, months, and years ahead.  TTTS can develop at any time, however with each passing week of good growth on behalf of both boys, our chances of developing the condition decrease dramatically.  We still have to see the perinatologist every 2 weeks to monitor the condition of the babies (as well as occasional visits with my regular OB/GYN to ensure my well being), so although we aren't out of the woods yet, we are standing at a decent clearing and are going to continue to be watched carefully by experts for the remainder of the pregnancy.

I think just how far both boys have come since just two weeks ago . . . and I am excited to see where they'll be in another two!  Hooray for healthy babies!

Please, spare me the obvious.

• "Three boys?!  Wow--you're going to have your hands full!"
• (Looking at Blake): "He's how old?  And you're expecting twins by March?" (Big eye roll followed by a very sarcastic tone): "Good luck with that!"
• "Three kids under a year . . . wow, that's going to be tough!"

Yes, folks . . . we know.  Our situation isn't exactly typical and may not fit your vision of a perfect family.  But please, spare us the obvious.  We are well aware having three young children will likely challenge us in ways we would not have been should Blake have been an only child for some time longer.  We have already felt many emotional, physical, and financial effects of our status (Can you say, BLESSED?! We do!), and we are not shirking down from the responsibility of being the best parents we can be, to all of our children.  If you cannot say something encouraging, then please do not say anything at all.  Preparing for twins is stressful enough (if you have never done so, that just leaves less room for you to assume you know what it's like!); throw in the fact that we already have an amazing young one at home, and you might start to understand how constant reminders about how difficult life could be come spring is not helpful.  You may not realize how your comments come across, but verbalizing such things only contribute to stress and feelings of overwhelm, which are not supportive; please filter.

Instead, we relish and very much appreciate the comments that are supportive, and encourage us in our upcoming adventure . . .

• "Two more boys?  You certainly are blessed!"
• "You guys are such wonderful parents to Blake . . . these next two are lucky to have you!"
• "I can only imagine how you must be feeling . . . I'd love to help out in any way that I can, if needed.  Call me!"
• "You'll do great!  I just know it!"
• "I'm sure you are both still a bit overwhelmed, but I am so confident that you will continue to be amazing parents."

And, just for those who have wondered (whether or not you were bold enough to ask), here are a few other things we'd like folks to know (so you don't have to ask):

1. (After an obvious head-to-toe inspection of my body, catching my growing belly and an eight month old on my hip): Yes, we know what causes this.  And no, we don't want to hear your thoughts on family planning.

2. Yes, we are Catholic; and proud of it!

3. Yes, we're glad it's us and not you, too!

4. We are not prepared (nor willing) to discuss the future family planning of our family with anyone at this time; thank you for voicing your opinion, though.  (Although I will admit, I'm tempted to answer the "You're done after this, right?" question with "No we plan to keep going until we get an ugly one!")

5. Only God knows why He's given us three children so close together, yet we will always be grateful to Him for so many blessings.

And the comments about us having Irish twins (or triplets)?  Well, they're getting pretty old too.  Before you use that phrase to describe our family, please look up the origin of the phrase and be sure that's exactly the message you mean to convey.  Thank you.

One tooth, Two teeth, One poo, Two potty?!

Could it be true?  Really?!

Our little boy is growing up so fast!

Without any sign of serious teething (he's been drooling for months, as most babies do), I was surprised to find a sharp, white ridge of a tooth along Blake's bottom gum line, on October 24.  His first tooth!

Just a little more than two weeks later, on November 9th, I was surprised to feel another sharp ridge, right next to the first.  Tooth number two!  And much like the first time, we had very few signs anything was happening in that cute mouth of his.  (Now if only he'd show them off so I can upload a photo!  They're SO cute!)

And that same day . . . (this is where it gets really crazy) . . . Blake pooped in the potty!  He'd started going in his diaper in the early evening (he doesn't hide it well) and Raleigh and I thought he'd finished by about an hour later when we were getting ready for a bath.  Two seconds after hitting the water it was obvious he was still working on something, so I quickly pulled him out and sat him over the potty.  Raleigh and I encouraged him to keep going, and after a few minutes of giving us a rather perplexed look ("You want me to do what, where?!"), he began concentrating and a couple grunts later, he pushed out 3 fairly massive little man poops!  And he peed too!  Raleigh and I praised Blake in celebration, and I urged Raleigh to get the camera.  (Who could let a milestone like this go undocumented?)

Blake smiled SO big . . . you could tell he was very proud of himself, as were we!  I'll keep the "evidence" shot in our private family albums, but here's one of our proud and big little man!

Both Raleigh and I reveled in the success of the day, and have talked about it numerous times afterwards.  (Who would have thought our 8 month old would have pooped on the potty, without any "real" training?!) However, the story doesn't end there . . . last night after I returned home from a baby class at the hospital (turns out there is a lot to breastfeeding twins!), I kissed a sleeping Blake and Raleigh pointed me to the bathroom, where a diaper was folded up on the back of the toilet.

"Is it clean?" I asked, noticing that it appeared to be empty and unused.

"No, I think it was wet," Raleigh responded.  "But it's there because that's where I took it off . . . and where Blake went poop again."

"What?!  Really?!"  I was floored.  He went poop in the potty again!  Hooray!

Now before we get lots of folks telling us this is nothing special . . . it is!  And for those who say that this doesn't "mean" anything . . . it does!  We understand that Blake isn't likely to trade in diapers for little briefs any time soon, however, we think this is a good start!  And at least he's getting the idea of where to go and more so, isn't afraid to.  So . . . we'll keep at it and see if something more consistent develops!  Heck, if we can have only two kids in diapers sooner rather than later (versus three), I'll take it!

Yes, I did!

You can Color Me Rad (and call me rad, too), because I just ran a 5k!  And oh yeah, I'm 17 weeks pregnant . . . with twins!

I got permission from my doctor (and babies' doctor) first (and on more than one occasion), so don't think I was a complete nut for doing this.  (Well, if 5Ks aren't your thing, you probably do anyways, but that's ok.  They're not for everyone.)

The race wasn't timed, so I have no idea how long it took me.  And I didn't run the entire race--I walked some too.  What I can say is that folks did start before me and finish behind me, and I walked half as often as I ran (at most), so I definitely did a job worthy of being proud of--and I am!

Proof of my accomplishment is below!

Before . . .

After!

See?!  Both kiddos ran the race with me!

A BIG thank you and CONGRATS to my dear friend Jen and her wonderful family who invited me to join their team (even before we learned we were expecting), and who accomplished goals of their own that day, too!  I think we each rocked our (colored) socks off!

 

In It to Twin It!

Ok, wonder no more!  Watch the slideshow below to learn who we will be welcoming into our family in approximately 5 months:

As one might guess, we are learning LOTS about our little ones.  Here are some facts about twins that folks might be interested to know:

• Women who have a family history of fraternal twins have a higher chance of producing fraternal twins themselves, as there is a genetically linked tendency to hyper-ovulate (releasing more than one egg at a time). There is no known genetic link for identical twinning.  Other factors that increase the odds of having fraternal twins include maternal age, fertility drugs and other fertility treatments, nutrition, and prior births.  (In other words, there is no medical “reason” for us to have conceived twins!)
• Identical boy/boy twins are the LEAST common of all twin types, preceded by (in order of most common to least) fraternal boy/girl , fraternal girl/girl, fraternal boy/boy, and identical girl/girl.
• There are several types of twins:
• Fraternal twins are two separate fertilized eggs that are implanted; each has their own sac and own placenta through which they feed.  (In other words, two placentas = fraternal twins, always.)
• Monochorionic-Diamniotic identical twins are one fertilized egg that split 4-8 days after conception; each has their own sac but share the same placenta.  (In other words, one placenta = identical twins, almost always.  In a very few amount of cases, fraternal twins’ membranes can “fuse” at the implantation cite to utilize/share the same placenta yet remain fraternal.)
• Monochorionic-Monoamniotic twins are one fertilized egg that split 9-12 days after conception; they share the same placenta AND same amniotic sac.  (In other words, one sac for both babies = identical twins, always.)
• If the division of the fertilized egg occurs later than the 12 days then conjoined twins are usually the result.  There are many complications with conjoined twins, since they share many of the same organs as the “split” is between the two is not complete.
• Monozygotic (identical) twinning (one fertilized egg splitting into two) occurs in birthing at a rate of about three in every 1000 deliveries worldwide.  As far as scientists can determine, there is no reason why the egg splits - it's a spontaneous and random occurrence.
• Identical twins do not have the same fingerprints, due to the fact that even in a small space inside the womb, the babies have contact with different parts of this environment, which gives small variations in the same digital, making them unique.  And although identical twins share DNA, their DNA is not exactly identical--leaving the opportunity for physical and other obvious differences between the two.

 And a couple other little interesting tidbits:

• If identical twin girls marry and have children with identical twin boys, their children are genetically half-siblings instead of cousins due to the shared/similar DNA.  Eeew! 
• Did you know naturally conceived fraternal twins could have different fathers?!  If the mom has sex close enough to ovulation with two different men, and happens to spontaneously release two different eggs, then it is absolutely possible to have two babies by two different fathers AT ONCE!!  This has happened before (the children born at the same time by the same mother were of different races and DNA tests were used to prove paternage was not the same!), so there is proof!

Blake's New Role

It came in the mail on Friday, and and we put it on for the first time yesterday afternoon.  It looks absolutely adorable on him.  Perfect size, color, and print.  Which is good, because do you know how difficult it is to find a size 6 month t-shirt that says "Big Brother"?

It's so strange having a baby and watching/experiencing your body change so much. Not just during pregnancy, but after too!  (There is much I could say here, but will leave the details to your imagination.)  Anyways, it's strange to be postpartum and not have any period, considering I was SO regular before getting pregnant with Blake. Even though the doctor's say that's normal and nothing to worry about, I did. It felt so weird for me in fact that on a whim I asked Raleigh to get a pregnancy test from the store. He did and a little over 3 weeks ago, I took the test--positive. Thought it HAD to be a fluke, so took the 2nd test in the morning--positive. STILL couldn't believe it (though the doctor said such tests rarely give false positives) and so requested a blood test the next day ("Ok, prove it to me," I thought)--positive. So there we have it--we're pregnant again!

After the positive blood test, we scheduled the ultrasound for the following week since I already had some time off from work. Because we don't have any "period" date to go off of, we knew we'd rely greatly on the ultrasound to determine how far along we are.

Well, we did have the ultrasound as scheduled and it revealed two very big things:
1. We were (at that time) 10 weeks along already. (Estimated due date March 8th--just about 2 weeks after Blake's 1st birthday.)
2. We are pregnant with twins.

Yes, you read that correctly--there were clearly two little heartbeats on the screen, and two little bodies making their moves. I don't think Raleigh or I could speak for several minutes.

I think you get the drift by our surprise that this wasn't our "plan" per say, but as Raleigh has reminded me, God's plan trumps ours every time! I mean, it HAS to be.  Getting pregnant at any time is a big miracle. Take into consideration all the facts regarding our particular case at this particular time (I'll spare you the details but can assure you we are very responsible people) and us getting pregnant now is an even bigger miracle.  And to be pregnant with twins when twins/multiples don't run in either side of the family . . . again, what are the odds?! So as we work to grasp our incredible reality, we truly believe that these children are another blessing from our Father above and we welcome them excitedly.

That being said, we are simultaneously TERRIFIED. Not only is a twin pregnancy considered "high risk" for all sorts of things (including pre-term labor and medical/health issues with the babies--super scary in its own right, especially after the trauma we experienced at the time of Blake's birth), but it is much more expensive as well. We have to see specialists from here on out, and our frequency of visits increases. This is all pregnancy-related costs of course, however after the babies come, we're in for some serious financial output as well. I mean, 3 kids within a little over a year?! Who does that?!  (Don't answer that!)

We always knew we wanted more than one child, and had figured we'd at one point in time work to give Blake a sibling--we just didn't think it'd be so soon or that more than one child at once could even be a real possibility! We're still trying to wrap our heads around it and figure out exactly how this will work.  (Where will we put another crib? What about TWO cribs?! What about day care? Is it even feasible for three? Time off from work for another maternity leave without pay or does it make more sense for me to stay home now? If I do stay home, how will that look financially, etc.?)  There are just so many questions. But somewhere deep down, we have faith we'll figure that all out. At least I pray that the snippets of faith we feel now find a way to stay in our hearts and minds with a little more (and increasing) permanency as time goes on. Although it's getting better each and every day, we both feel fairly overwhelmed.

Now that we know where we're at, I'm feeling the push to tell people since we won't be able to keep the pregnancy a secret for long--I have already "popped" this past week and (at least to Raleigh and I), feel like I'm visibly pregnant.  We're 12 weeks along now and showing like I did at 16 weeks (or later) with Blake.  I do have some anxiety telling folks (not including my side of the family and close friends, who know our character and love us unconditionally), as I don't want people projecting negative thoughts/images onto our children, making any implication that they were/not wanted. Truth is, these children WERE wanted AND loved before they were even conceived; the unscheduled timing of their arrival doesn't change that fact.

Still, I am in a bit of shock about it all and still processing. (At least as of the ultrasound appointment) I weigh less now than I did before we were pregnant with Blake, and besides having the appetite of a sumo wrestler, still don't have ANY "regular" pregnancy symptoms. If I didn't take the test on the whim, I'm not sure when I'd find out.  (I asked the doctor and he said I'd probably figure it out when I'm about 16 weeks with a hard and abnormally large belly and/or felt "something" moving around in there.)  That would have really freaked me out!  And to think I used to make fun of those girls on television who say they never knew they were pregnant!

As we think ahead of how the next few months will go, I feel pretty scared, moreso than when we were pregnant with Blake, probably because now I feel like I KNOW what we've gotten ourselves into. And Blake is such a good baby--if our hands are joyfully full with him, how in the world can we take on another two, even if they are angels themselves?!

Still, it will be ok.  We don't know how exactly, however we really, truly believe that.  And Blake is going to be an awesome big brother; we have no questions there either.  :)

If you're reading this blog I'm assuming it's because you know Raleigh and/or I and love us as family.  As such (and it might be obvious), I'm asking that you PLEASE pray for us--all 5 of us. Pray that Raleigh and I make good choices . . . about everything. Pray that Blake continues to feel loved and cared for, and transitions to his role of big brother well/easily. Pray for a healthy and smooth pregnancy, and smooth delivery of two very healthy babies (preferably, AFTER Blake's first birthday, if at all possible). Pray that I can make it "full term" (which is different for twins, I hear), and the details of "how in the world are we going to do this?!" somehow fall into place and become clear. Pray, pray, pray.  It's about all we can do right now as well!

Belly Laughs

And THIS is something I want to remember for a long, long, LONG time . . .

My First Mother's Day

So apparently daddy and Blake had been working behind the scenes for a few weeks, perfecting this surprise for mommy.  They casually revealed it after I came home from work on May 9th.  ("Hey, come look at this . . .")

Talk about the best Mother's Day gift EVER!

And as if that wasn't enough (I guess Ral couldn't guarantee Blake's timing), on Saturday I got these crazy awesome flowers (hand selected by my most favorite two boys) and on Sunday I was surprised again as Daddy took traced prints of Blake's hands into our local DQ, and (with Blake's approval) they made this.  I couldn't think of anything sweeter.  Literally.  I cried.

 I am SO blessed!  Thank you, Raleigh and Blake, for making my first Mother's Day so special!

B is for...

Of the 26 foam letters he could choose from, this was the one he grabbed to hold during bath time. Appropriate choice, don't you think? "B" is for Blake and bubbles and bath and boy and baby and BRILLIANT . . .

Disappointed. And yet still hopeful.

So here we are, at one day shy of 41 weeks and still pregnant.

Not that I don't love being pregnant (I really do!); I just REALLY want to see my little one face to face.  It's tough to explain how you can love a little person growing inside you so much without ever really meeting him/her, yet in pregnancy, it's what happens.  Both Raleigh and I love Little E so much already, and that love is compounded each and every day at what feels like an exponential rate.  And just like a gift that we know we'll get to open on one special day in the hopefully-not-too-distant future (and not a moment sooner), we are now waiting.

Waiting, waiting, and waiting.

Not just waiting for his/her arrival, but for ANY sign that he/she is actually coming!  I know things can change quickly (and thankfully so, or else all hope we'll get to meet our little one before spring might be lost by now!), however after hearing the doctor say today that I'm "behind" where most people are at this stage in the game (some cervical softening, but still no dilation), I haven't been able to feel much anything else other than disappointment and frustration.  I don't necessarily believe I'm doing anything wrong, but I am honestly unable to say that it feels like I'm doing anything right either.  I mean, how could/can I not be doing better so as to at least make sure that I'm physically progressing in some way that could support Little E in making his/her appearance when ready?  I know that a good percentage of first time moms deliver past their due date, however even by the doctor's admission, most of them are at least showing signs of moving towards labor and delivery.  Not me, though . . . I'm (at least per what the doctors can tell) as far away from that important benchmark as I was nearly 2 months ago.  In some ways, I'm feeling much like my dilation status--ZERO.

Although it may sound harsh and a bit dramatic, it almost feels like I'm hindering Little E's arrival somehow.  Physically I'm certainly not helping any, no matter how hard I try.  (Trust me, we've done it all--walking, walking, walking . . . pineapple, mango, spicy food . . . sex . . . visualization and verbal encouragement, positive affirmations . . . walking, walking, and more walking . . .)  And my lack of physical progress has also hindered the doctors from helping too (no stripping of the membranes with a closed cervix, I'm afraid), so it seems that I'm just "stuck" from every which end.

And emotionally--well, if this blog is any indicator--I'm just barely hanging in there.  I felt pretty good after leaving the doctor's office this noon, knowing that baby is still healthy and doing well (that is the important part, right?) and that under no uncertain terms can Little E stay in my belly forever . . . HOWEVER, as the afternoon has worn on and I've processed what he said . . . well, I can look at no one (or nothing) else as being responsible for my current condition (or lack thereof) and despite the words of consolation and/or encouragement from others, feel like I'm letting them down too.  My mom is hanging on to every text message or phone call as if it was my last (I picture her jumping onto her phone with each ring as a voracious tiger would leap on its next meal), and we're getting lots of friendly inquiries wondering how things are going and if baby has made his/her appearance yet.  "No," "Nothing yet," "Not a thing," and/or "Feeling fine and still no baby" have become regular components of nearly every conversation.  It's hard.  In some ways, I feel like the messenger of bad news to not only myself, my spouse, but also all our friends and family who are anxiously (and excitedly) awaiting the arrival of our little angel with us.  (Sigh)  I look forward to the moment when I can meet Little E face to face, bask in the joy of being a mother and (with Raleigh) family of three, and share the great news to all who care about and love us.

Until then, I keep praying for peace and the ability to truly (and I do mean truly) surrender to God's timing of it all.  In writing in my journal yesterday I realized that the conception of our little one was not according to our calendar, but His, and that just the same, I should remember (and trust) that His calendar still trumps ours (and for the right reasons too).  I mean, why should I now--of all times--suddenly be in complete control of a process that I've really only been privileged to experience because of His amazing grace and awesome love?  Why do I feel the need to take the reigns now, when we're just about to cross over onto a completely different journey and embark on an entirely new adventure?  He hasn't left us yet, and won't now . . . so why am I pushing for more autonomy?  Things might go a bit smoother if I take a step back and realize that maybe the reason I feel like I'm not in control of anything is because I'm not and remember that is a GOOD thing . . .

Ironic, huh?

Anyways, there it is.  I'm disappointed we're not "further along" and yet still hopeful that something will happen, sooner rather than later if possible.  And if not--well, it's not like I'm doing well pushing things in that direction, either.  I guess the Big One upstairs and our Little One inside are collaborating on just when exactly is the most perfect time to appear . . .

The Best and Worst Part

Recently one of my friends asked me what, in my experience, has been the best and worst part of pregnancy.

Thankfully, I don't have much to complain about.  I had maybe 2 days of morning sickness (related to being overtired, I think) and later on, the occasional woe of a swollen ankle or two.  I have experienced a sore back, difficulty picking things up from the floor and/or tying my shoes, running short of breath when doing, well, pretty much anything, and some laughable memory moments when I've forgotten my wedding date and/or where my phone is (in my hand at the time); however, those are for the most part (or so I've heard) to be expected.  None have been debilitating, and considering the low severity with which I've experienced all of them, I think I've been pretty lucky.

So, back to the question--what, in my opinion, has been the best and worst part of pregnancy?  After much thought and consideration, I feel very confident in one answer for both--how people have treated me.

On one hand, there is something so wonderful about being pregnant (especially once showing) to have such widespread concern for my comfort and safety.  Strangers offer up their seats on the bus/train, hold open doors, allow me to move to the front of the grocery line, and/or offer to carry pretty much anything heavier than my handbag.  It's awesome.  Ladies in particular seem to be more friendly, and start warm conversations about babies and baths and everything in between where there would otherwise be awkward, cold silence and/or an indifferent shrug to my presence.

From people who I know, I am regularly told how beautiful or "adorably pregnant" I look, and generous offers of help and support are abundant.  From house cleaning to laundry to (obviously) moving heavy furniture . . . I am not expected to just "figure it out" or do it on my own--I know there are dozens of hands and hearts that would jump in at a moment's notice.  Even knowing that Raleigh is at my side (and very much a dependable spouse in every which way), there has been an overwhelming invitation to make sure we have what we need, and/or at least know that we have folks to count on should we feel outside assistance would be helpful.

On the other hand, there are many (strangers and loved ones alike) who treat me like I'm completely incapable of doing anything other than standing, sitting, lying down, or breathing.  I know that at least for folks who love me, their motivation isn't malicious and their insistence on me not doing something (such as running a self-powered vacuum across the carpet) is more based on the fact that they want to be sure I remain safe and healthy, however it is annoying when so many seem to take my current state as an open invitation to comment on what I should (or should not) be doing and/or give their opinion as to how I should do things differently.

I am a perfectly smart, capable, and strong woman.  I am nearly 30 years old, have read (and continue to read) much, and am receiving proper prenatal care.  I too want a healthy, happy baby at the end of this pregnancy, and want to remain as comfortable as possible during this process.  I will not do anything stupid to jeopardize that and any comment or move that indicates otherwise feels like an insult, no matter how well-intentioned.

Same goes for the objectification I often feel; because I'm pregnant, many now see me as only a baby in a belly, completely unattached and separate from the rest of my person.  Instead of seeing me as woman who happens to be pregnant, the pregnancy is all some are able to see and in many ways, I've disappeared.  They greet my belly before saying hello to me, stare incessantly at the bulge beneath my shirt (yeah--as if that's appropriate at any other time), and make references to my child in a way that I believe they wouldn't dare do if he/she were on this side of my belly button.  The warm conversations I mentioned earlier often lead to awkward questions about my breastfeeding plans or the comfort/size of my breasts.  And maybe because I'm a first time mom (and must therefore not know ANYTHING about this process), I am regularly subjected to the comments of those who want me to know their opinion--about day care, our birth plan, my weight, parenting methods, etc.  Even the color we chose for the nursery has been scrutinized.  Nothing seems to be off-limits.

And the baby talk--ugh.  Don't even get me started there.  Let's just say that it doesn't impress and I am grateful our child will primarily learn how to speak from what they hear from Raleigh and I, not the many comments made their way in high-pitched half-sentences and incomprehensible babble directed their way now.

So, I guess that's it.  Maybe next time it will be different (because I'll have a little person in tow as proof that I haven't completely screwed up as a parent), and maybe it won't.  I guess that even if I get to deal with all this during pregnancy (the good and the less-than-great), the best, BEST part is still ahead and will be worth all that's brought us to this point--when we finally get to see the face of the little one we love so much, and hold him/her in our arms.

The Belly Button Blues

So since I'm not one to very much enjoy taking the popular "baby bump" photos so many other folks desire (you'll notice there aren't too many of my bulging belly out there), I thought perhaps it'd be good to chronicle my body's transformation another way, a more "creative" way . . . by belly button.

Below is a video slideshow of the change I have been privileged enough to experience from week 23 until now (week 38.5).  Don't expect a turkey baster type of pop-out (mine more or less just flattened) and be prepared for some incredibly gross stretch marks visible (and growing) starting at about 34 weeks.  They get really bad at about 36 weeks, which just adds a special perspective to the belly button shape at that point, which I think, looks a lot like the pucker from the Keystone bitter beer face man . . .