Just to settle the rumors . . . yes, I did

*eat a half gallon of ice cream in one sitting. Within 10 minutes. After my triathlon nonetheless. And yes, it was cookies & cream.

*travel across India with 3 great girl friends. Unaccompanied by mandated University personnel and without parental knowledge. We stayed in a resort on a CLEAN beach, with plenty of sunshine, white sand, and drinks to spare. Oh, and no creepy Indian men to fight off. :)

*write a novel that was accepted by a publisher. I just never gave official permission to print the book . . .

*get up on the air chair on my first try. I went for a good half-mile on that first run!

*buy my condo at 22 years old. 'Nuff said.

*jello wrestle my way to be Jello Wrestling Champion of the World (slight exaggeration) 2006. Any one want to challenge me for the title next year?

*graduate Valedictorian of my high school class of 531 and Summa Cum Laude of my college class of 423. If it wasn't obvious, I am a nerd.

*drop chewed bubblegum in my uncle's armpit at the tender age of 4, causing him to use ice, peanut butter, nail polish remover, scissors, and eventually gasoline (yes, ouch!) to get it out. Sorry, Uncle Ed! ;)

*start speaking Spanish at 5 years old.

*overcome my fear of spiders and as a result, held a tarantula . . . twice.

*eat yellow snow. On multiple occasions. Don't worry, it was snow ice cream made with sugar, vanilla, eggs, and what else? . . . Snow! (You knew it had to be some form of wacky ice cream, right?!)

*purposely step on my brother's back mere weeks after he was born. I'm not cruel, I promise--I just had to get used to the little guy. :) No worries, he forgives me and no physical damage was done. Well, at least I think so . . .

*take photographs when no one was looking. (Don't you wish you knew?!)

*sing solos in three different songs in an elementary school presentation.

*hot tub with strangers . . . without a suit. You know if you were there . . .

*walk Tianenmann Square, the Forbidden City, and the Great Wall of China. It was fascinating!

*break my elbow by falling off a bike. And what was more of a bummer, was that I was on vacation too! Did I mention the bike wasn't moving?

*babysit for the kids who live across the street from Colorado Rockies First Baseman Todd Helton. His house is as huge and as beautiful as you might expect it to be . . .

*learn to snow ski for the first time this year. An embarrassing fact for a Colorado native, I know, yet I got 'er dun! ;)

*faint in church in front of close to 1000 people. I was kneeling at the altar when it happened, so you can't convince me that nobody noticed.

*hula hoop my way to first place at a talent show in third grade. I 'hooped' to Amy Grant's "Baby, Baby." Oh yeah, the sweet sound of the early 90s . . .

*hula dance on stage and belly dance in private. What a workout!

I think that's enough of a disclosure for now, don't you think?

To be the recipient of an apology

Lately I've been working hard to become even more conscious of my thoughts and actions. Although I'm usually very tuned into myself in what I say and do and think throughout the day, I've come to realize that I am still often on autopilot, saying and doing things without even thinking twice about it. Sometimes, after I say or do something, I reflect on the moment and am astonished at how uncharacteristic my words and actions can be. And moreso, how contrary they sometimes are to how I actually feel about a particular event, person, or situation.

In thinking some of these instances through, I've discovered that I'm struggling with one situation in particular. I've realized that when someone approaches me with an apology, my first reaction usually is to say, "It's ok." However, sometimes, it's NOT ok! Sometimes, I have been hurt and an apology is definitely warranted! Sometimes, the actions towards me are inexcusable and at minimum, an apology is the first step in resolving the matter and restoring the relationship. Despite knowing all this, my default response is "It's ok?!" What's up with that?! I might as well say:
It's ok that you hurt me.
It's no big deal.
You don't need to take responsibility for your actions.
I am not worthy of receiving your acknowledgement for what happened.
It is acceptable to do/say what you did/said again.
It's ok that you hurt me.

Although I might have been a bit dramatic in the progression above, no matter how you look at it, the simple, "It's ok" is literally telling the other person that it's tolerable to hurt me, tolerable to break their agreement with me, tolerable to be less than their best with me, etc. Why do I, a self-assured, strong, responsible, aware woman of integrity and great worth automatically grant such permission?! Why do I find it so difficult to accept the apology verbally and then move on?

I once had difficulty accepting compliments and at one point in my journey of personal growth, I participated in a coaching program. My coach learned about my struggle and saw that it was contributing to my view of self and my confidence level in all areas of life. In order to support me in changing that view, he encouraged me to say "Thank you, it's true" after each compliment that was given to me. Not to be arrogant, however to genuinely accept the gift of the compliment (who am I to deny that from the person who wants to share it?) and to acknowledge the truth behind their words. (I am great at what I do. I am beautiful. This shirt does look good on me. I really am wonderfully thoughtful. I do have a great smile. I am brilliant and loveable and sexy . . .) After awhile, accepting compliments was not as difficult as it used to be and more importantly, I began to believe, really believe, the positive things others were telling me. I still occasionally do catch myself rejecting compliments from others, however I usually catch myself in those moments and am able to make a different choice in how I respond to the compliment and by doing so, I am able to make a different choice in telling myself who and how I am.

Ok, so as I reflect upon that experience, I am still attempting to figure out the "why" behind some of my actions, and I am still stuck on what the truly appropriate response is to "I'm sorry," or "I apologize." I mean, in the past I've said "Thank you for your apology," or "I appreciate that," or the no-longer-adequate "it's ok." But truly, honestly, what is a good response? How can I accept the apology without diminishing it or dismissing the circumstance(s) which called it forth? Please know I am not speaking of forgiveness (I don't find that very difficult at all in most cases), however I'm speaking of my verbal acknowledgment of the apology and what that reiterates to my being in regards to what happened and how I feel in a particular situation. Therefore, what can I say that more appropriately expresses how I am feeling in that moment in time?

Do It Anyway

I've always loved the message in this, and no matter where I'm at or what I'm doing, I find something meaningful to me at that moment in time every time I read the words . . .

Mother Teresa's "Do It Anyway"

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

Unwritten

Ok, so here's the deal:

I've had a very strong urge to write for maybe the past 4 weeks or so. You may ask, "write what?" however my answer is, "I don't know!" This urge is so strange . . . it came and it has stayed, despite my thinking it was just a passing thought that would slowly fade over time. I've had dreams about it, spontaneous thoughts during my day, and countless minutes of pondering my thoughts which I suppose, could be slapped onto paper as roughly as they were generated from my brain.

Here I am, though, nearly 4 weeks after I first felt I should be putting pen to paper on some topic, and I still have the feeling that I should be writing something. What's even stranger, is that I don't even know what I'm supposed to write about! I've thought about lots of things--children's books, some of my life stories of travel and personal triumphs, intellectual pieces, fiction, non-fiction, articles, jokes, anything and everything I could ever conceive, etc.--and still, I don't have a single inner nudge one way or another. Crazy, maybe not, however how am I supossed to curb this urge to write if I don't feel compelled to write about any one thing?!

I've always been good at writing, but don't ever remember really enjoying it. So now what am I to do?!

Oh, and just in case you were wondering . . .
I've thought about finding the novel I wrote several years ago (the one that was accepted by a publisher), resubmitting it to the publisher, and finally giving them permission to print the book. However, it has disappeared. The publisher's acceptance letters and contract is safely tucked away, yet I have been unable to find a copy--hard or electronic--of my original work. So that's out.

Unless I can find some satisfaction in leaving the page blank, I guess I'll have to actually write to cure this one, huh?! *sigh*

Just a hare of trouble . . .

In many ways, Raleigh's house has become my home. I have my own key, a pile of shoes by the front door, clothes in the closet, a toothbrush near the sink, books in the living and bedroom. I know in which cupboards the dishes belong, how to operate the X-Box as a dvd player, where Raleigh hides his dirty work clothes, which kitchen tools are Ral's favorite (and which ones he uses to improvise when he doesn't have exactly what he needs), and how to hold open the windows that don't stay open on their own. I clean the kitchen after meals, often water and trim the flowers out front, and say hi to the neighbors when they pass by.

Two of my most favorite neighbors come to visit often yet don't say much. Jake and Jennie are new to the neighborhood (by about 3 months) and often like to hang out in our front yard. Jake is the bigger of the two and usually seems to be the one in charge, yet lately Jennie seems to be hanging around with a bit more frequency on her own. (I think Jake is up to regular teenager mischeivious antics . . . ) Anyways, it's always a pleasure to see them and I enjoy greeting them in the mornings or evenings as I exit and enter the house and chatting (usually with Jennie) while I play in the garden or sit out front to enjoy the view.

Now, speed up to today, and this morning started out like any other. I got out of bed after hitting snooze 3+ times, brushed my teeth, curled my hair, threw on some clothes, slid into my shoes, and began gathering my things to take to the car. I opened the front door to see Jennie quickly run away from the front gate, presumably to hide behind the flower bed on the side of the house as she usually does. It was so refreshingly cool outside compared to the inside of the house (Ral doesn't have A/C yet), I decided to leave the front door open as I loaded my things into the trunk of my car. (That's not unusual, since Raleigh and I often leave the front door open just to get some fresh air.)

As I was placing my stuff in the trunk, I thought to myself, I wonder if our friends would ever try to go inside? "Nah," I said, "They're too smart for that." And without a second thought, I walked back up the steps and into the house for load number two. As if on cue, there, sitting right in front of the television, ears perked straight up, nose quivering with excitement, eyes aglow with that "I'm-in-trouble-now" look . . . was Jennie. I could almost see her smiling.

One step toward her, and she jumped towards the couch and positioned herself behind the ottoman. Then, as if she thought it were a fun game, we played hide-and-seek and catch-me-if-you-can in the living room. Jennie is a smart bunny (I knew she was), as she seemed to know exactly which direction I was going to go; I'd move one way, and she would intuitively hop the other. And quick! Man, I knew that girl had spunk, I just didn't know how fiestly she could be! Thankfully, our time together this morning only lasted for a minute or so before she headed towards the kitchen, spotted the open door, and darted back outside.

I could only shut the door with a big sigh of relief and a little giggle (how might I have told Raleigh there was a bunny rabbit loose in the house?!), and quietly climbed the stairs to say goodbye to a sleeping Raleigh. I awoke him with a kiss, and then told him I had an exciting morning as Jennie came in the house to pay us a visit. His eyes got big, however I quickly reassured him it was only a short stay, as she was safely back outside where she belongs. We both then started giggling hysterically on the bed, and Raleigh so aptly pointed out that Jennie now had a great story to tell Jake and all her friends. And now, so do I.

GRRRR! Roar!

Fun Facts About Leos . . . (from http://astrocenter.astrology.msn.com)

When the mighty Lion enters center stage, everyone knows it. This dramatic, creative, and outgoing sign has the keyword "magnetism" for good reason. Fiery and self-assured, it's almost impossible to resist the Leo's charm. Whether it's time spent with family and friends, or on the job scene, a Leo is going to bring much to the table.

Friends and Family
By far the most generous Sun Sign, Leos make loyal and giving friends. They'll go out of their way to help, even when it conflicts with their own schedule. The Leo is a strong, confident personality who has the ability to make almost everyone comfortable. Unassuming and gracious, they love to host parties and events. The Leo is rarely found alone - interacting is second nature. Close friends are chosen for their ability to keep up with the Leo's energy, along with a strong sense of dignity and a commitment to individual values. When family is involved, the mighty Lion will do whatever it takes to defend loved ones. Leo loyalty lasts a lifetime. They pride themselves on being there for family through thick and thin.

Career and Money
Leos are doers. "I will" is the key phrase for this sign. There's a lot of energy packed into this sign, and they're always going to be busy, regardless of whatever else is happening around them. They are ambitious, creative, and optimistic. It's not enough to just do the job for a Leo. In order to suffice, it must be done to the absolute best of their ability. Once committed to an employer, they will go all out, but the best situation for the Leo is to be their own boss.

Careers that allow for the Leo's dramatic flair, such as acting and entertaining, are ideal. Such positions give the Lion free rein. Other occupations such as management, teaching, and politics are well suited too. Anything that puts a Leo in a leadership position will give this sign the opportunity to do what comes naturally to them.

Leos love to surround themselves with the things they fancy. Since money usually comes readily to the Leo, there's always more where that came from. "Money is meant to be spent" as far as this sign is concerned - and spend they will. Generous in spirit, a Leo will give away their last dollar to help a friend out. They're always confident that there will be more, and there usually is. There's never a lack of work for a Leo. In fact, there's generally more work available to them than they can keep up with.

Love and Sex
This fiery sign is passionate and forthright with their affections. When it comes to sex, you can expect the Leo to be adventurous, fun and highly energetic. There is a definite line of division between sex and love for Leos. Mates are chosen for their willingness to allow the Leo to take the lead, shine brightly and be independent. They look for uninhibited lovers who aren't self-conscious. As accepting as the Leo is, a mate needs to be an intellectual equal to cut the mustard. Leos are loving, fun and very giving to those in their personal life.

LEO TIDBITS

Leo Birthdays
July 22 - August 22

Health
Each sign has a part of the anatomy attached to it, making this the area of the body that is most sensitive to stimulation. The anatomical areas for Leo are the heart, sides, and upper back.

Ruling Planet
The ruling planet for Leo is the Sun. Considered the masculine principal of the horoscope, the Sun rules men in general, health, leadership, rank, authority, progress, energy, dignity, the capacity for experience and the sense of identity.

Color
The color of choice for Leo is gold.

Gemstone
Leo's star stone is the Ruby.

Lucky Numbers
Leo's lucky numbers are 1, 4, and 6.

Compatibility
Leos are most compatible with Sagittarius and Aries.

Opposite Sign
The opposite sign of Leo is Aquarius.

The Perfect Gift
The best gift for a Leo is a status symbol item or a family related collection such as a keepsake album.

Likes
Drama, children, high-class living, luxury items, speculative ventures.

Dislikes
Mediocrity, small-minded people, penny-pinching, being held back.

House
Natural sign of the Fifth House. This house focuses on sports, children, creativity, amusements, love that you give, love affairs, speculations, romance.

Famous Leos
Robert Redford, Lucille Ball, Roman Polanski, Amelia Earhart, Magic Johnson, and Kimberly Malsom

Queen of the Mountain

On Sunday, July 22nd, I acheived a long-time goal. With a nudge of encouragement from some dear friends, I finally climbed a 14er! Mt. Bierstadt is the 39th highest peak in Colorado at 14.060 ft. and is named after Albert Bierstadt, a well-known landscape painter of the American West in the late 1800s. The photos are posted in one of my profile albums, but to summarize, here are a few of the things I learned . . .

1) As long as the mind is willing, the body will obey . . . even if it regrets it the next day.

2) Sharing a beer at the base of Mt. Bierstadt in celebration of a successful summit is wonderful, even if I generally don't like the taste.

3) Old friends and newer friends are the BEST friends to support me in achieving a long-time goal. (Thanks Jocelyn and Ryan—you two rock! Get it? Rock . . . haha!)

4) The thinner air really does do a number on the mind; even a genius like me feels loopy at the top!

5) Just because it may feel cool, doesn't mean the sun isn't working a number on your skin. My red, blistery neck is proof sunscreen applied once is NOT enough!

6) At the bottom of the mountain, 14,000+ ft. seems like an exciting challenge. Half way up, it seems like it might be an impossible feat. At the top, you breathe in the splendor of God's creation and are moved beyond words at the sight laid out in front of you. 14,000+ ft. suddenly becomes the greatest gift shared with all mankind.

7) Sports bras and mountain climbing don't always go together well and there is no instant relief for under-the-boob chafing.

8) Despite sizzling hot summer temperatures, there is indeed still snow and ice on the peaks of the Rockies.

9) There are crazies out there who would rather run up (and back down) the mountain instead of walking, skipping, strolling, hiking, sauntering, moseying, ambling, etc. You can identify this odd breed by their uncharacteristically gigantic calves of steel.

10) Colorado has an extremely high population of mountain-climbing dogs! Too bad they're unable to sign the climber's log at the summit!

That's a pretty big IF . . .

I have been told (by more than one person) that I was full of it. My dreams were too big, my expectations were set too high, and I was far too picky. There was practically no help for a girl like me who wanted so much and was refusing to give up so little to get it. Here was the rationale:

IF there really was one person out there that somehow met all my extremely high standards and expectations, what were the chances our paths would cross in this lifetime? And IF such a person really did exist, and we happened to meet, what are the chances that I would come to know him in a way that would allow me to identify him as The One and fall madly in love with him? And IF such a person really did exist, and we happened to meet, and I would come to know him in a way that would allow me to identify him as The One and fall madly in love with him, what are the chances that he would fall madly in love with me, and accordingly identify me as The One he has long been looking for?

Well, I've never been very good at gambling, yet I think it's clear the odds were greatly in my favor. He does exist. And we met. Twice. And I know. And I'm madly in love. And he loves me. And he knows. And so we both win. And our future awaits.

There are definitely no "IF's" about it.

Happy First Anniversary, Raleigh!

Womanly Woes

Sometimes, it's just rough being a girl. Case in point:

This morning I was paged to meet a family to discuss and notarize some of their adoption documents. As I was gathering my things and preparing to leave the room, my coworker Andrea said, "Um, Meems . . . turn around a sec." I rolled my eyes, obeyed her annoying request, and quickly spun in place. Within half a rotation I could feel cool air on the back of my upper thigh and realized why she was suddenly staring at me with such big, round eyes. The back half of my skirt was tucked up into the bottom side of my underwear, exposing my the whole upper half of my thigh. I quickly untucked my skirt, giggled in embarrassment, thanked her profusely for catching the fashion faux pas, took a deep breath, and then headed out to meet the family.

Although the crisis was diverted (I don't think anyone else in the office had noticed my exposed bum before Andrea did), I was paranoid for the rest of the day and double and triple-checked my skirt every time I sat, knelt, stood, or used the rest room. Talk about stress! And all because of a skirt!

In addition to reconsidering my wardrobe choice for tomorrow, the situation got me thinking . . . unless they wear a kilt, boys would never experience what I did today! And as I usually do, I kept thinking: what other traumas do only girls endure?

Here's my quick and partial list (compiled with help from my Clothing Crisis Averting Coordinator, Andrea):
Headlights.
*Some guys may have breasts, but I'm fairly certain they don't show their headlights when chilly or wet like we do. And as if having the beamers on wasn't enough, ever notice how the casually-rub-with-your-forearms move to lessen the intensity of the reveal never looks casual nor seems to help for long?! Argh!
Overflow.
*No matter how discrete we try to be when Aunt Flo comes to town, there's always the risk she'll make her appearance known to the world. Boys should feel lucky they never have to consider what color pants to wear depending soley on the time of the month.
Exposure.
*Males may often run around bare-chested in public without a second thought, however for girls, showing some boob can be a pretty traumatic event. Whether chilling at the swimming pool, meeting a client at work, hanging out with dear ol' grandma, or shaking hands at a job interview, the "girls" should--but don't always--stay in place. Playing peek-a-boo like this usually isn't fun.
Red Teeth.
*Like my skirt issue, lipstick on the teeth is something we usually don't know about until someone tells us. And unless they're a drag queen or it's Halloween, I've yet to catch a man with color on his pearly whites.
Bikini Bumps.
*Nearly impossible to avoid altogether, and very annoying on the pantyline. Plus, they look nasty too.
Raccoon Eyes.
*Sometimes we don't even have to cry to get the mascara around our eyes all gooey, goopy, or smudgy.
Peeking Panties.
*Although it can be cute and somewhat sexy for a guy to let his boxers peek out above his pants, why is it so gross for a woman to do the same? Add the problem of panty lines to the issue and we have ourselves a gender-biased skivvy dilemma.
Boob Sweat.
*Yes, we have it (even those with a smaller chest), and yes, it is gross. Deodorant can sweeten the smell (if there is any), however once it gets warm under there, persperation is usually inevitable. I suppose men who sweat on their bald heads can somewhat relate, however considering untreated sweaty boobs can lead to chafing, I hardly think it's the same.
Juggling Jugs.
*Any wild thoracic motion and the breasts are usually not happy. The larger the boobs, the larger the boob pain. And any girl would agree the sports bra is a pathetic answer.
Cramps.
*Some women are blessed with never experiencing these, however most of us have at least once felt the pain of Red's Revenge. Midol can help and heat can soothe, however cramps are sometimes bad enough I think even boys would be cranky.

Shaving legs and armpits, waxing lips and eyebrows, watching for runs in the nylons, slipping tight tummy tuckers over the belly, plucking grey hairs from one's head, and keeping finger and toenails neat, clean, and polished also seem to be annoying female-only duties. Oh, and if you're counting the pain factor, don't forget to throw in childbirth too. I hear that one's a doozy and last time I checked, not a single man has pulled it off.

Ahhh . . . sometimes it's just a pain being a girl.

¡Viva la México!

And the secret destination was . . .

PUERTO VALLARTA, MEXICO!

For all those curious folks out there, here's how my surprise played out:

Thursday-
We arrived at the airport, and I was just giddy with excitement. Seriously giddy. Like out-of-my-mind-I-can't-wait-to-figure-out-where-we're-going-and-jumpy-all-over giddy. We stroll up to the Frontier counter to check our bag and the nice lady (with all flight information in the nifty computer at her fingertips) asked for our destination. Raleigh smiles a sly smile and calmly answered, "Oh, she doesn't know yet. It's a surprise," and the used-to-be-nice lady makes a large, toothy smile and says, "Oh really?! Well, we'll just keep it a surprise then, won't we?" She was like putty in Raleigh's hands and seemed to enjoy keeping such valuable information from me. Oh how I wanted to know so bad! She even spoke with a tone indicative of I-know-what-you-don't-know teasing and ended our brief encounter with a not-so-innocent "Enjoy your weekend in . . . well . . . where ever you're going." I nodded politely and smiled, somewhat disappointed I wasn't walking away from the counter with more information than I'd had when I first walked up. What good was that woman there for, anyways?! Geesh!

I thought that my waiting days were over when Ral then suggested we exchange money before heading to the gate. But then he requested I stay back when he made the transaction and being a good girlfriend--not wanting to spoil the surprise yet find out what it was just the same--begrudgingly complied. Hmph; surely I wouldn't have to wait too much longer!

Finally Ral guided me by hand through the concourse and made our way to the gate. I had my eyes fixed on the last gate in the stretch (my experience from the morning had told me that with my luck, that'd be the only gate we'd be flying out of), only to be quickly spun towards the gate we'd just passed. And what I saw on the information board was to my eyes and heart like ice cream is to my mouth . . . PUERTO VALLARTA was clearly spelled out. We were heading to Mexico!

After a hug and a kiss (or two or three or a gazillion), and just as many "thank you"s, the attendants announced our flight was ready and we excitedly boarded the plane. We were going to Mexico!

(Don't worry . . . slideshow of pictures soon to come!)

No news, just clues.

Ok, so I was talking with Ral at lunch today and asked for some assistance on packing, since I still have no clue where we're going and want to make sure I've got all that I need. I reminded him that I'm an analyst after all, and lists are very important to me. I got a chuckle and then heard the following:

"Bring 4 days worth of clothing. Comfortable clothing for warm weather as we will be closer to the equator. Bring appropriate traveling clothes for a 4+ hour flight. I haven't checked the weather for the area this week yet, however there is probably a chance of a rainstorm or two, so be sure to have attire with you that will keep you comfortable if an afternoon gets blustery."

I asked about evening wear and was told to "have one good knock-out outfit on hand, because one night, we will treat ourselves to an evening that reflects what we're worth." (I should probably note that there were a few suggestions from my wardrobe thrown out here--black/white diagonal cut dress, brown ribbon strappy dress, and even the famous J-Lo dress, should I desire to pull it from the closet--just in an effort to help me narrow the selection, I'm sure.)

Besides the above, I confirmed that it'd be smart to bring along sunscreen, my swimsuit, my passport, and the camera. Oh, and I was told my bilingual skills "might" come in handy.

So, any guesses yet? I've got several possible destinations in mind . . .

Mamma Mia!

I love my mother to pieces, yet sometimes she drives me crazy. And sometimes she drives me crazy without really doing much of anything.

My mom . . .
knows how to push my buttons
would do anything for me
often acts goofy in public
will drive across town to meet me for lunch
calls me at work just to chat--when she KNOWS I'm busy
giggles at the most inopportune times
can annoy the heck out of me
loves me with her whole heart
enjoys embarrassing her children for embarrassment sake alone
is high energy ALL of the time
encourages me to do and be my absolute best
can still silence her kids with "the look"
doesn't mind laughing at herself every once in a while
is generally messy and not very well organized
can improvise like no other
doesn't care what other people think
hates it when people chew on cotton (it's like nails on a chalkboard to her)
is an Arbonne fanatic
is the most PHENOMENAL woman I know

Oh, that mother of mine . . . how I love her so!

Calling Nancy Drew or Sherlock Holmes . . .

It was 'strongly suggested' that I take Thursday, May 3rd and Friday, May 4th off from work. Being a smart girl, I read between the lines and did so immediately. (Who could question that deep, strong yet gentle voice?)

I was then told I'd better be prepared to get up early to catch the plane on that Thursday, with bags packed and ready to go. Not much would be needed, I was informed, as I'd do just fine with a light bag packed with nothing but my swimsuit, sunscreen, and a hat. Aloe might be a good idea, and my passport is a definite requirement.

So . . . where are we going? It's still a mystery to me . . .

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I need swimming lessons.

I need help. I simply don't know how to stay afloat anymore...

Of course, I'm not talking about water. I'm talking about life, and specifically, work. Yesterday I finally hit my breaking point, and I fully admit I cried much of the day. Today I managed to limit my tears to my lunch break.

I don't want to go into too many details, however I'm at the point where I'm finding it harder and harder to keep it together. I'm tired of getting yelled at by those I'm trying to help. I'm tired of being blamed for things I didn't do or say. I'm tired of being reprimanded for not giving answers I'm not authorized (nor able) to give. I'm tired of bending over backwards to make a complicated process go smoothly for someone, only to be told I'm not bending far enough. I'm tired of being asked to take responsibility for a slow government approval process stateside and at the same time, for the decisions being made by a Communist country half a world away. I'm just really tired.

While those close to me know what's been going on and have been able to see the change in my world, I've been putting on a good face for most everybody else, being rather unspecific about the stresses related to my job and how I've been feeling lately. I guess I just don't want to seem overly pessimistic about things.

Although I'm usually a fairly positive person, I think I've begun to see and (sadly) expect less-than-positive things in my work life. Frequent great days have slowly become frequent good days and have since slipped to occasional okay days. And some weeks it seems that I have more not-so-okay days than the okay ones.

And all this stress is starting to take a toll on my health. I'm physically exhausted, I've come to expect semi-intense headaches at least twice a week, and I haven't had a solid night of sleep for close to a month. My evenings and weekends spent with those I love are so precious to me, yet I'm finding myself not at the top of my game during those moments either. I'm emotionally sinking.

The strange part is, underneath it all, I still like what I do. At the foundation of it all, adoption is good. And I think for the most part, the families are good. The social workers are good, and the orphanage workers in China are good. There are usually good intentions by all involved. Perhaps that's why I struggle so much. I fight the current that keeps pushing against me, all the while understanding and believing that the water I'm standing in is bringing about a positive change to all hearts involved and in the bigger picture, to the world.

Still, feeling undervalued, unsupported, overwhelmed and unappreciated does not feel good. I know that for the most part, I just happen to be the only one folks have to direct their energy to during this stressful time. Intellectually, I know I'm doing a great job and am serving families to the best of my ability and that what is coming at me doesn't really have anything to do with me. Still, it hurts the heart.

I'm tired of working so hard to keep myself from sinking beneath the surface. I can only tread water so long. If I don't figure out how to swim soon (and swim in a way so that I again enjoy all that I love about this work), I may have to exit from this water and find some other pool to play in.

I have a stalker.

I have a stalker. A serious stalker, yet I'm quite okay with it. Let me explain.

It's been four full days since Valentine's Day, and I'm still smiling. Contrary to this time last year (see my previous blog titled "All this pink and red is turning me GREEN!" for more details), for weeks I was actually full of gleeful anticipation for this holiday and was excited to see what it would bring. The gift(s), I was sure, would most likely come . . . but it was the time I would spend with the man I love that excited me the most!

Well, first of all, I was sent to work with a sweet kiss, a beautiful arrangement of bright fuschia orchids, and a cute little heart box carefully packed with chunks of homemade fudge, cleverly shaped in little "x's" and "o's," single and paired hearts. How much better could the day possibly get? Well, after a long day at work, I managed to make my way through two hours of traffic and snow and as soon as I pushed open the door and saw his face, I knew. This is what Valentine's Day--and everyday we get to be with those we love--is all about.

We played a fiesty game of racquetball (I kicked butt, for all those who are curious ), came home and made dinner (as usual, Chef Raleigh rocked my world with a more-than-delectable meal), and then sat and talked on the couch. Simple pleasures, I suppose, but I wouldn't change it for the world. It was perfect.

The celebration continued after February 14th as well, as just a couple days ago I noticed some bright red particles on the floor surrounding my desk at work. I casually pulled out my checkbook to write a check and smiled, as it was clear my purse was filled with hundreds of little red confetti hearts. I sent a text questioning how so many hearts might have gotten in my purse, and was told that "cupid must have run out of arrows," so that was that. I was hit right where it counts, and it continues to be as true now as it was nearly a year ago . . . I am in love.

So as we continually choose it to be, every day is as special as Valentine's Day. Not because we give each other random gifts or send surprises back and forth, but simply because we are together and enjoy every minute we get to spend in each other's presence.

So . . . I don't know if he gets paid overtime or not, but Cupid often comes with me to work and follows me home, finds me in the grocery store and at the gym . . . the little bugger really seems to pop up everywhere. That's more than okay with me though, for as long as Raleigh's the other target, Cupid can follow me anywhere.

Four Eyes and a Prayer

My brother is the only one in my immediately family blessed with perfect eyesight. Lucky boy. My parents have both worn glasses since I can remember, and I've had glasses since I was in the first or second grade.

As any person who has had the wonderful opportunity of wearing a second set of eyes in their youth knows, most of our eyewear (especially as children) are not the cool type. They are often the chunky kind (with thick frames and even thicker lenses), or the funky-shaped kind that make your eyeballs look out of place and/or your head a goofy shape. I had several such pairs growing up and have many photos to prove it.

That being said, as an adult I promised myself that I would never have a pair of non-cute glasses again. I wear contact lenses most of the time, and in fact, do not wear my glasses unless I have absolutely have to. I don't wear them out of the house unless there's some reason I cannot wear my contacts, and have never worn them to the grocery store, never worn them to the gym, and certainly have never worn them to work . . . until yesterday.

The girls in the office (all avid glasses-wearers) asked why I never wear my glasses. I responded it's because I don't think I look good in my glasses (even though I thought the latest pair I bought were both classy and cute) and due to my strong perscription, feel that my eyes look super itty-bitty when wearing them. "Mouse eyes," is how I think I referred to them. Anyways, the girls all said this was preposterous and assured me that my appearance with glasses was not as I was imagining. They dared me to wear them to work.

So . . . I did. And although it caught some people by surprise (remember, no one at work has EVER seen me in glasses), I never heard a single negative comment throughout the day. I was told they are adorable, very cute, classy, sophisticated, fun, and so on and so forth. I became self-conscious of them at various times throughout the day, however I continued to remind myself (and had the support of all the Divas) that I AM adorable and cute and classy and sophisticated and fun and that my eyewear reflects this well and totally fits my image. :)

Thanks to my experience, I've adopted this attitude as well. Now, I highly doubt I'll wear my glasses all the time, however I'm sure I'll choose to wear them more often and at minimum, won't be so hesitant to put them on my face when I do. :)

So thank you to the girls in the office who pushed me to do something I really didn't want to do in order to resolve some childhood trauma and believe in my outward beauty (with glasses) once again. From one four-eyed beauty to you others, I really appreciate it.

On a completely unrelated subject . . .

My alarm went off this morning . . . and I continued to sleep. I woke up on my own, realized that I'd snoozed a bit too long, and began the crazy frenzy of getting ready for work. I did pretty good in terms of getting myself ready quickly, and actually ended up heading out the door only about 10 minutes after I normally would have.

When I got to my first major intersection, I saw there was going to be a problem. There were 4-5 police cars with lights flashing blocking the road, flares on the asphalt, and a line of cars as far as the eye could see waiting to get around the mess. My first reaction was sudden irritation knowing that I was already going to be late and now was definitely going to be even later. I then saw the folks that were in the accident--standing beside the road, hugging and comforting each other--obviously shaken up by what had just transpired.

It suddenly hit me--if I were at this intersection just a few minutes earlier, it very well could have been me in that mess. I said a quick prayer thanking God for keeping me safe, knowing that He knew (and continues to know) all that I don't and perhaps I was supposed to be late for work today for a reason. :)