I Remember . . .

Once I stepped through the doors, I smelled it almost immediately . . . the NICU.  One glance at Raleigh and it was clear he was right there with me: "Do you feel those tingles?" he asked.  I nodded and continued on silently.  Slowly, the NICU doors came into view and a chill swept through my body as my heart began to race; we've been here before.

It's amazing how much sensory memory we have, and how something as simple as a light smell can transport us back in time to (at least in this case) a place that in some ways, I'd rather forget.  However I cannot forget, and last night, I most definitely--and vividly--remember . . .

I remember the sounds of the automatic doors opening, the deep rattle of the buzzer that unlocks the doors to the land of babies who need lots of love and attention (only those that need to enter do!), and the sounds of the monitors attached to every child to watch for oxygen and heart rate levels.  I remember the quietness of the floor as we trekked through still and empty hallways while other patients were sleeping, headed towards the chaos of the always-bustling NICU--wishing that I, too, could find some time and space to rest.  I remember kissing Blake before leaving his bedside, praying that he'd be in a better condition when I came back, and we'd be closer to going home as a family.  I remember climbing into my cold and sterile hospital bed at night, wishing I could cuddle with my baby on my chest like moms in other rooms were doing and/or have my husband hold me tight, just so I could feel his physical presence as I drifted off for a few minutes of restless sleep.  I remember digging through my suitcase looking for clean clothes to wear, realizing that 3 days' worth of postpartum outfits was not going to suffice for a 2+ week stay.  I remember looking out the window onto the city streets below, and wondering how in the world everyone could just carry on with their lives--walking their dog, laughing with a friend at lunch, casually chatting it up at a bus stop--all while our world seemed to stand still as we held our breath waiting for news that our baby boy was indeed getting better and would one day, come home with us.

In some ways, it looked so familiar last night.  And in others, so very different.  Familiar in that we knew where we were and what life can look like inside those walls.  Different, primarily because we weren't living there; we were just visitors, passing through.  This time, I didn't have to stay.  And Blake was in my arms.

The group of folks we were with (mainly first time parents) were all enamored with the details . . . the ipod docking stations in the private labor/delivery rooms, the dimable lights on the walls, the fireplace in the family waiting area, full wi-fi access, the jacuzzi tubs, the cute decorations with baby hand prints and footprints adorning walls and walkways, the kitchenettes for late night snacks and treats, etc. . . . all the little things that although cool at first, in our experience, didn't play much of a role at all when it came to welcoming our kiddo into this world and getting him healthy enough to come home.  We barely spent 4 hours enjoying those details (if at all) before my life turned upside down and Raleigh was scrambling to get into hospital scrubs and follow me down the hallway to the operating room.  My oh my, how quickly things can change.

Last night as we took another maternity tour at the hospital (just to be sure nothing had changed since we were there earlier this year for Blake's birth), my heart swelled with joy and ached with memory at the same time.  I had no idea how walking those halls again, seeing the rooms, hearing the hustle and bustle of a busy maternity ward would stir my heart . . . yet it did.  Last time we were here, I was too overwhelmed to take much in, and once things became "routine" amongst our time in the Mother/Baby Unit (where I was without my baby) and the NICU (our home away from home, essentially), we were more on survival mode than anything.  Boy, a place sure does look different when you're looking through those lenses.

So, I remember . . . and choose to look back at that time in our lives as one that shaped our family for the better.  It wasn't easy by any means, however one look at my beautiful baby boy and I realize it was all worth it and together, we grew so much.  And if we find ourselves in a similar situation again (hoping not, but being prepared for the possibility), I know that we will pull through and one day, will again pass by the doors that don't hold our current life, but rather, just a memory.  One that I choose to hold onto.

Club Member

So over the past few months it's become very clear, very fast--being parents to twins (and identical twins at that!) is not something many can say.  It appears we are indeed members of quite an exclusive club.

That being said, I've been asked the following questions quite a few times and realize that unless I was not in the middle of experiencing this adventure (and trust me, learning TONS as we go!), would probably be wondering the same.  So, here's a quick recap of my experience with regards to carrying twins, knowing full well that next month may look different that this one, and/or that other moms of twins might answer the questions very differently for themselves:

Q: Does it feel different having two squirming bodies play/roll/kick inside versus just one?
A: Not really--to me, it feels nearly the same to have these two boys moving inside as it felt when Blake was still swimming and growing.  Perhaps that's because I hardly ever feel both babies move at the same time (they'd BETTER get on the same schedule before arrival, that's for sure!) and so in general the movements feel the same, they just alter between my left and right front abdominal sides (which was how Blake felt as he turned around in my belly).

Q: If it really doesn't feel different to have two babies inside, does this pregnancy as a whole feel the same as it did when you had a singleton?
A: Most definitely NOT!  I feel like this pregnancy is moving along at a much faster clip than Blake's did, and I think Raleigh would agree.  Now, that could partially be because we found out we were pregnant ten weeks in so the first trimester was nearly complete before we learned we were expecting (talk about starting a race one-third of the way through!).  However having two babies inside means that I feel like I'm twice as far along at each step than I did with Blake.  My back hurts likes the dickens ALL THE TIME (not an issue for me with Blake until nearly the end).  And I'm bigger than I was at 26 weeks with Blake too (for obvious reasons).  I get winded much more quickly, have to pee far more often, my belly button is nearly inside out (a new experience for me), and am growing out of my clothes at a much faster pace.  As long as these babies stay in as long as they're supposed to, though (at least to 37 weeks, we pray), then I know the discomfort I feel now and in the weeks to come will all be worth it.

Q: How do you keep the babies straight?  (In other words, how can I tell who is who while in utero?)
A: From our first appointment with the specialist (called a perinatologist, for those who want to know), the doctors labeled the baby closest to my cervix as "Baby A" and the other one as "Baby B".  They can each flip/turn around in their own sacs, but their sacs cannot change places within my uterus (since they are attached/secured by the placenta, which they share).  Therefore Baby A is the one always on my right side and Baby is the one on my left.  Kicks on the right are therefore from Baby A and kicks on the left are from Baby B.  Depending on their vertical position (head up or head down), I can sometimes be unsure of who is kicking me near the lungs, and who is pushing my belly from below ("Was that Baby A or Baby B?").  However, they are starting to each have their own pattern of movement and I think I can usually tell them apart.  Baby B is my feisty one, always kicking HARD and forcefully pushing and rolling against my abdominal wall; he's fairly quick with his movements too, giving me fast jabs to the gut (and bladder!) when he feels the need.  Baby A is much more gentle and slow going, making soft roll-over movements here and light pressure kicks there.  I'm excited to see if this is just how they are moving at this stage in the pregnancy and/or if these traits will follow them to the outside world . . .
**On a side note, after Baby A appeared to be flipping us the bird during the last ultrasound, the doctor hypothesized that maybe Baby A was the feisty one, and that his movements seem lighter than Baby B's only because he's kicking and pushing against his brother instead of me!  I guess time will tell on this one!  :)

Q: Since the boys are twins (and identical at that), you're going to dress them in matching outfits, right?
A: Believe it or not, but identical clothing is not a requirement for identical twins.  (I checked, and there is no manual!)  And Raleigh and I have talked about it a lot, and very quickly came to the agreement that we don't want our boys to feel like they're only a person of value when they're part of the eye-catching twin duo (face it--folks are FASCINATED by twins!).  Instead, we want them to feel special as they are, all the time, simply because they are each uniquely wonderful and amazing.  We are therefore doing what we can to celebrate their differences (whatever they may be) and encourage them to be their own person, regardless of what their brothers (Blake included) might be/do.  Of course if they look and do the same things as their brothers simply because they are brothers and close in age (and/or because they want to), that's ok--we just don't want them to feel forced to be like this and/or make anything negative up about their individual worth since they were conceived and born as a pair.  Nothing against parents of twins who found matching outfits cutesy and/or entertaining, however we will purposefully be making a different choice for our boys--at least for now.

I think that's it for now, but am sure other questions will continue to pop up.  And as I receive them, I'll ponder them and answer them honestly.  We are still learning what being members of this exclusive club is all about, and what the benefits of membership are.  The cost is high, however I believe the rewards will be even higher.  Here's to a lifetime membership!