First Ski

I finally did it! I snow skiied! :) Hooray, hooray!

The day began with me getting up at the crack of dawn, getting dressed in many layers and gathering all I would need for the day. I had pants and hats and boots and skis and gloves and sunglasses . . . Heck, I even had special socks! Maybe I went a bit overboard, but I figured it'd be better to do this right (and stay warm and dry all day) the first time.

After the truck was packed and I had fuel in my belly (Thank you, Chef Raleigh!), we left town and headed West.

Now, half-day ski school at Breckenridge begins at 10am. When the clock was quickly approaching that special hour and we were still over 20 minutes away, a quick decision was made and we decided intstead to invade Keystone. We parked the truck and headed into the village to register me for class. :)

For those who don't know (as we clearly didn't), Keystone doesn't offer half-day morning ski school . . . they only offer afternoon classes! So instead of learning how to ski with a half-dozen or more other first timers late in the afternoon, I opted for a private lesson. :)

My crash course on snow skiing began with me stepping into my skis and letting Raleigh push me 50 ft. or so up the hill. He turned me around, taught me how to point my skis so I could stop, then walked back down the hill to watch me in action. I must not have done too badly as my lesson only involved another 20 minutes or so (learning how to turn, lean, and lift my skis) before we hit the gondola to go to the top of the mountain.

I ended up making 4 full runs that day (with only one really good tumble), and at the end of day, I was beat. My legs were so sore I could barely walk, and as the sun started sinking below the mountains, the air chilled rather quickly.

Overall, I had a wonderfully wonderful day and couldn't have asked for more. I had an excellent teacher who was patient and kind and supportive and encouraging . . . and helped made the experience as fun and as special as possible.

Granted, there are many things I'm still working on. For example, how to walk gracefully in ski boots, how to perform an emergency slow-down without eating snow, and how to carry my poles and skiis at the same time. Oh, and so far, the chairlift is considered an uncharted territory, so that item may require additional assistance later on as well.

Point is, I'm now officially a snow skiier and look forward to the days when I'll get to practice and then perfect my skills. Bring 'em on! :)

When I go . . .

One of the girls in the office is coping with her grandmother's growing illness and depreciating state. While she has not left us just yet, her upcoming passing has prompted some rather deep discussions amongst us these past few days.

Upon much thought, I've come to the conclusion (and have felt for awhile) that I'd like to be cremated upon my death. I'd like my ashes scattered here in Colorado, preferably up in the mountains where the wind may blow them around our beautiful state. From the tops of the purple peaks I've climbed and admired since birth to the gentle grasses of the prairies on the plains I've crossed to the cool waters of the lakes on which I've waterskiied . . . I'd love to return to them all. My soul won't remain in this world, however I'm sure my spirit will still be dancing.

I am a rich girl with a grateful heart

I may not have tons of money, however I am one of the wealthiest women I know. And as this holiday season quickly approaches us, here are just a few reasons why I am thankful:

God Mom Dad Bryan Raleigh Megan Byron Haylee Debbie Allison Brian Paula Nick Tiffany Scotty da Hottie Jaime Debberoo Stephen Susan Sean Paul Eric Drew Kelly Charles Abram Dawn Sam Al Celena Dave Amanda Izzy Amy Kenneth Andrea Grandma Holly Angel Mary Dan Rudge Laura Anthony Uncle Tony Aunt Cindy Courtney Michael Aundra Nancy Lauren Robin Marc Trina Carol Kevin Beth Barb Corey Roger Brandon Jen Bryan Jodie Genoa Jean Ryan Elizabeth Kim Connie Matt Jules Dan Tiffiny Dana Nicole Matt Melissa Liz Eric Fallon Aunt Ruthie Uncle Michael Tracy Hollie Jamie Mandell Aunt Jan Jennifer Pat Izak Emilia Kate Makensie Ben Zach Marilyn Tobie Mike Tim Randy Dawna Rob Shane Tanya Scott Brad Tony Walt Kim Aunt Patti Uncle Ace Miranda Teresa Sarah Aunt Sue Uncle Ed Jen Shannon David Phil Alyssa Patrick Adam Nicole Amanda Kate Glenn Janine Eve Jamie Carla Jocelyn Ryan Oliver Cindy Kyle Jen Brett Angelina Tiffany Mary Derek Laura Jessie Gwen Heidi Andrea Jessie Troy Amber Amanda R.J. Tessa Nate Nicole Sophia Jamie Peter Jordanna Elaine Dave Joe Kelly Matthew Dylan Cindy Andy Angela Mandy Angelina Jolauter Aaron Sarah Tyler Jacob Rascal Kevin Susan Jeremy Kevin Mark Tina Judy Cherie Paul Tim Jenn John Keith Aunt Rosie Uncle Jim John Julie Brian Kevin Nathan Bart Pauline AnneMarie Michelle Pat Dixie Lisa Rayna Dr. Pulchalski Christian Curtis Bradley Shayla Stephen . . .
(deep breath) . . . .
ice cream pajamas stars blue skies sunshine roller coasters waterskiing snow pumpkin pie rain berries e-cards surprises warm brownies flowers health India Brazil China back tickles hot cocoa democracy mud jello wrestling mountains ocean paper clips space fresh air toothpaste time maps music books . . .

Dry Tears

I'm a crier. I am. I can usually moisten several tissues at minimum, and when I'm feeling for those I'm extremely close to, can fill buckets even. Seriously. Crying is just part of how I feel when I'm sad and is a crucial part of my grieving process.

For whatever reason, though, I haven't really been able to shed any tears this time. The recent deaths of a high school friend's younger brother and my cousin's husband--both to suicide--have not moved me to tears and grief the same way I usually am moved. Don't get me wrong--I am saddened to the core about both of these losses; my heart is as heavy as it's ever been when I've lost someone I loved. The problem this time is that I haven't been able to shake that heaviness. I haven't been able to move beyond the numb sensation that overcame me when I first heard the news. This is odd and very disregulating to me. How can I heal and move on if I'm not able to go through my normal emotional process?

As I've struggled since last week to feel something . . . anything . . . I've had the chance to think the situation over . . . and over . . . and over. The only conclusions (if you can call them that) I've come to are these:
1) Answers usually assist me in healing. Knowing why or how something happened--even if it isn't pretty--has helped me in the past sort things out so not only can my mind comprehend them, but also so my heart can feel them. Not having any answers, nor any source from which to get them, has left me in a bit of a quandry I'm not sure how to get out of. Perhaps surrendering to the idea that there are no answers for situations like this is my only available route. Searching for what may never come can be exhausting and emotionally disastrous.
2) I'm overwhelmed. Receiving news like this is enough to pull anyone off the tracks; receiving it twice within 10 minutes has the potential to completely derail the train. Perhaps more to process in a shorter time can only equal a longer healing period. Maybe.
3) I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I feel helpless and weak. I want to do something to ease the pain of those I love (as doing so always makes me feel better as well), yet there is nothing I can say or do that will make the dark reality seem any lighter. There was no physical sickness that the victims are now free of, no obvious hardships they have been released from . . . no rationale at all. When the act itself is completely irrational, how can there be???
4) I am scared and want what I can't have. Neither of these situations were predictable (if they were, they wouldn't have happened, I am sure), and caught everyone involved off guard. I see the pain that's left behind, and never want to experience this again--especially from those closest to me. I want to be promised by everyone I care about that they won't ever do such a thing, that they won't ever choose to end their life and leave the rest of us asking "why?" yet I know that is a rather meaningless request.
5) I'm feeling especially needy right now and I hate it. I want to be hugged. I want to be held. I don't want to be alone. This is a new place for me as I'm a very independent woman and am often the one others lean on in tough times, not the one doing the leaning. Poor Raleigh caught the brunt of it all this weekend as my parents left town for one of the funerals and although he repeatedly asked what he could do to support me, I had no real answers to give him. Last night I didn't want to be alone so I practically invited myself into his presence, and although he was sweet enough to welcome me with open arms, I realize my request wasn't really a fair one. The rest of the world doesn't have to stop because I'm in an emotional haze . . . and those I care about certainly don't have to clear their schedule to allow time and space for me to mourn.

So, all that being said, I'm not quite sure what to do. I've prayed. I've ran. I've talked. I've written. I've ran some more and prayed some more. I'm still not where I feel I should be. I am not able to put my thumb on exactly "where I should be," but I know it's not here. When feeling down I can usually see the light at the end of the tunnel (or at least believe that it's there, right around the next turn), however I haven't been quite so certain this time. I definitely don't believe I'll feel this way forever, yet the slow progression thus far has me seriously wondering how long this might last?

The good news is that I spoke with my mother earlier this evening and she shared with me some of the details of the service today and time spent with the family. Her words were uncomfortable and comforting all at the same time, and to my joyful surprise, produced tears--real, wet ones--that lasted beyond the moment when we said, "I love you," and ended the call. I felt so stirred inside I decided to go for a run, and managed to shed several tears along the way. I still haven't had a sob-fest of my usual caliber yet, and I wonder if I ever will? Perhaps this very un-normal experience for me is as normal as it's supposed to be, and perhaps dry tears aren't so atypical after all . . .

Incessant chatter from my grey matter

Raleigh
ACT/SAT tests--flashback to high school
Paula, Tiffany, Jeanette, Megan . . . all my girls from way back when
Nick, Brian, Ryan, Raleigh . . . boys, boys, boys--many still are
Raleigh's mullet
Megan's baby
baby shower
pink, blue, yellow, green
gift . . . does this mean I have to go shopping?! Argh!
ice cream
ice cream maker . . . a wonderful b-day gift I've yet to use (Odd yet true!)
next family birthday
Mom
birthday cake versus pumpkin pie
Thanksgiving dinner
Raleigh
rain to snow
mountains
learning to ski for the first time
hot cocoa
fire in the fireplace
hot tub
hot, bubbling water
Mom and her latest frustrations
laundry . . . Lord knows I have enough
swing dancing . . . so much fun!
new shoes
pretty red dress
Dawn's wedding
gift . . . argh--more shopping!!
headache
family drama
Bryan and his girl
mint cookie catastrophe . . . only a select few know about this one
Raleigh
carpet cleaning
carpet stretching . . . still on the to-do list
bills
Dad and his job situation
presenting matches
important photographs . . . how one little picture can mean so much!
printing photos
painting & decorating guest room
green curtains
Raleigh
ice cream
shower
manicure/pedicure appointment tomorrow
Connie and her healing leg
phone call
Isabel and unreturned email
plethora of envelopes . . . I only use a few now since everything is online
pending mail orders
trash carry-out
chilly air . . . wish I could stay barefoot, oh well . . .
late night, long to-do list
warm waterbed
sleep
set alarm clock
darker mornings, earlier evenings = shorter days
summer is over . . . (sniff, sniff!)
winter clothes
changing seasons
autumn colors
changing leaves
changing lives
change
new and different
Raleigh
love . . . I was ready yet he still caught me by surprise!
kiss
kiss
kiss
blushing
"Kimisms" . . . at least I'll always be known for something! : )
ice cream
ice cream . . . mint chocolate chip in freezer
ice cream
ice cream . . . I really want some yet should hold off if I can . . .
alternative options to distract myself
reading! . . . I have several great books I'm working on
novel I wrote
call publisher . . . still scared to do so, not sure why
Raleigh . . . always encouraging me to stretch and grow
self reflection . . . what can I do? How do I contribute?
friends
family
work
early morning . . . I want to get in extra-early tomorrow
early night
bedtime
Raleigh . . .

Lipstick Pods, Chinese Lanterns, and a HUGE smile

When I awoke this morning not feeling too well, I figured the day would more than likely be a bust. Yesterday was worse and yet I made it through the day, therefore no matter how hard I looked, I couldn't find an excuse to not make it through this one. So rather begrudgingly I dragged myself out of bed, managed to brush my teeth, slap clothes on, run a brush through my mangled hair, and head to work.

No lie, the first few hours were painful. I had a splitting headache, my tummy still didn't feel good, and the chaos in the office seemed unusually high for the start of the day. My prediction of a craptastic day seemed to be right on the nose.

About halfway through the morning, as my eyes were starting to blur from document review and email overload, our "office mom" Theresa walked back into our room with a rather cumbersome load; she had handful of dossiers in one arm and a rather large vase of flowers in the other. These flowers were so exquisite and unique (and a rather significant display in terms of size) that I figured it was an arrangement she purchased for office decor. Without much enthusiasm, I continued to work as Theresa began to disperse the items. She neatly stacked the dossiers on the top of the filing cabinet, placed mail in the mail bin, and then gingerly set the vase down on the corner of my desk. "Well?" she asked, "Who are they from?"

What?! The flowers were for me?! All of a sudden I had gained the attention of everyone in the room (my 4 other Dossier Divas, Theresa, and a Case Aide) and was quickly surrounded as I carefully opened the attached card. *sigh and a HUGE smile* It was an "I'm thinking of you" note along with a get well wish from no other than one of the most incredible men around . . . Raleigh. : )

And that's all it took. The day suddenly became brighter, my head and tummy immediately ceased to bother me (at least I didn't notice them), and the rest of the day quickly had potential of being rather wonderful. The girls oohed and ahhed and began the chatter of how great it is that I now have a man in my life that knows what I'm worth and treats me accordingly, and I just sat there at my desk--eyes fixed on the magnificent display of love and support and a rather obnoxiously large grin permanently stretched across my face.

The lipstick pods, chinese lanterns, umbrella fern, cattails, bluegrass stems, and willow branches create a rather exceptional and extraordinary display that catches the eye (and my heart) and triggers a very large smile every time I walk by--as does the man they are from. Thanks, Raleigh. : )

Perfect Timing

Ok, so just when I hit a low spot and started seriously doubting some things, I went to a soccer game. Not sure what to expect beyond a welcome distraction from the day's events, I torpidly climbed the stands to take a seat and was determined to immerse myself in the game. My goal (no pun intended) was to have fun with those I love and forget all the thoughts and the heavy emotions that had been weighing on my heart for most of the week.


I scooted through the row, carefully excusing myself as I passed those already seated, and found two short, meaty legs in the chair the ticket I was holding indicated was mine. Sitting in my seat was the most adorable little chub of a girl--big, rosy cheeks, small brown eyes, and a thin mess of dark hair gathered into a tight ponytail that stuck straight up and feathered out like a fountain from her round head. I was fairly certain she was adopted (mom and dad were obviously not of the same race), and was curious to learn her story. (Call it a default reaction from a passionate worker in the adoption field if you want, however I was curious nonetheless.) I said hello and started some friendly chatter, and after only a few minutes, recognized that the family I was sitting next to was one of my clients almost 2 years ago! I had helped bring this little girl home!


All of a sudden details about the family and their particular case came flooding back to me, and it was clear the family remembered me as well. We briefly reminisced about the paperchase and my work with the family during that time, and then had the chance to discuss Gotcha Day and all the wonderous moments the family has had as a family since the day their little girl was placed in their arms. It was wonderful.


Within a few short moments (and after a gentle nudge, handsome smile, and whisper from the sweet soul sitting on the other side of me), I was reminded just why it is I do what I do. The chubby little ball of energy who was all smiles in her mommy's arms, round belly bulging from underneath her too-small bright green tank (stretched to the max as she played hide-and-seek with her belly button) was (at least in part) a product of my work and dedication--and with a family who clearly loves her to pieces. Sure, all the anxiety from the week hadn't disappeared completely, however it did significantly melt in size and intensity for the moment . . . and if even only for a moment, made my heart light again.


As usual, the timing was perfect. Although my job isn't pretty all of the time (it's a far more arduous line of work than one might think), there is a great outcome to the stressful chaos I wade through each day. And on Wednesday, it was clear . . . in rolls of flesh stuffed into flower pants and ruffled socks, pink fingernails and all. And moreso in the smiles from a mother to a daughter and back the other way.