I Remember . . .

Once I stepped through the doors, I smelled it almost immediately . . . the NICU.  One glance at Raleigh and it was clear he was right there with me: "Do you feel those tingles?" he asked.  I nodded and continued on silently.  Slowly, the NICU doors came into view and a chill swept through my body as my heart began to race; we've been here before.

It's amazing how much sensory memory we have, and how something as simple as a light smell can transport us back in time to (at least in this case) a place that in some ways, I'd rather forget.  However I cannot forget, and last night, I most definitely--and vividly--remember . . .

I remember the sounds of the automatic doors opening, the deep rattle of the buzzer that unlocks the doors to the land of babies who need lots of love and attention (only those that need to enter do!), and the sounds of the monitors attached to every child to watch for oxygen and heart rate levels.  I remember the quietness of the floor as we trekked through still and empty hallways while other patients were sleeping, headed towards the chaos of the always-bustling NICU--wishing that I, too, could find some time and space to rest.  I remember kissing Blake before leaving his bedside, praying that he'd be in a better condition when I came back, and we'd be closer to going home as a family.  I remember climbing into my cold and sterile hospital bed at night, wishing I could cuddle with my baby on my chest like moms in other rooms were doing and/or have my husband hold me tight, just so I could feel his physical presence as I drifted off for a few minutes of restless sleep.  I remember digging through my suitcase looking for clean clothes to wear, realizing that 3 days' worth of postpartum outfits was not going to suffice for a 2+ week stay.  I remember looking out the window onto the city streets below, and wondering how in the world everyone could just carry on with their lives--walking their dog, laughing with a friend at lunch, casually chatting it up at a bus stop--all while our world seemed to stand still as we held our breath waiting for news that our baby boy was indeed getting better and would one day, come home with us.

In some ways, it looked so familiar last night.  And in others, so very different.  Familiar in that we knew where we were and what life can look like inside those walls.  Different, primarily because we weren't living there; we were just visitors, passing through.  This time, I didn't have to stay.  And Blake was in my arms.

The group of folks we were with (mainly first time parents) were all enamored with the details . . . the ipod docking stations in the private labor/delivery rooms, the dimable lights on the walls, the fireplace in the family waiting area, full wi-fi access, the jacuzzi tubs, the cute decorations with baby hand prints and footprints adorning walls and walkways, the kitchenettes for late night snacks and treats, etc. . . . all the little things that although cool at first, in our experience, didn't play much of a role at all when it came to welcoming our kiddo into this world and getting him healthy enough to come home.  We barely spent 4 hours enjoying those details (if at all) before my life turned upside down and Raleigh was scrambling to get into hospital scrubs and follow me down the hallway to the operating room.  My oh my, how quickly things can change.

Last night as we took another maternity tour at the hospital (just to be sure nothing had changed since we were there earlier this year for Blake's birth), my heart swelled with joy and ached with memory at the same time.  I had no idea how walking those halls again, seeing the rooms, hearing the hustle and bustle of a busy maternity ward would stir my heart . . . yet it did.  Last time we were here, I was too overwhelmed to take much in, and once things became "routine" amongst our time in the Mother/Baby Unit (where I was without my baby) and the NICU (our home away from home, essentially), we were more on survival mode than anything.  Boy, a place sure does look different when you're looking through those lenses.

So, I remember . . . and choose to look back at that time in our lives as one that shaped our family for the better.  It wasn't easy by any means, however one look at my beautiful baby boy and I realize it was all worth it and together, we grew so much.  And if we find ourselves in a similar situation again (hoping not, but being prepared for the possibility), I know that we will pull through and one day, will again pass by the doors that don't hold our current life, but rather, just a memory.  One that I choose to hold onto.

Club Member

So over the past few months it's become very clear, very fast--being parents to twins (and identical twins at that!) is not something many can say.  It appears we are indeed members of quite an exclusive club.

That being said, I've been asked the following questions quite a few times and realize that unless I was not in the middle of experiencing this adventure (and trust me, learning TONS as we go!), would probably be wondering the same.  So, here's a quick recap of my experience with regards to carrying twins, knowing full well that next month may look different that this one, and/or that other moms of twins might answer the questions very differently for themselves:

Q: Does it feel different having two squirming bodies play/roll/kick inside versus just one?
A: Not really--to me, it feels nearly the same to have these two boys moving inside as it felt when Blake was still swimming and growing.  Perhaps that's because I hardly ever feel both babies move at the same time (they'd BETTER get on the same schedule before arrival, that's for sure!) and so in general the movements feel the same, they just alter between my left and right front abdominal sides (which was how Blake felt as he turned around in my belly).

Q: If it really doesn't feel different to have two babies inside, does this pregnancy as a whole feel the same as it did when you had a singleton?
A: Most definitely NOT!  I feel like this pregnancy is moving along at a much faster clip than Blake's did, and I think Raleigh would agree.  Now, that could partially be because we found out we were pregnant ten weeks in so the first trimester was nearly complete before we learned we were expecting (talk about starting a race one-third of the way through!).  However having two babies inside means that I feel like I'm twice as far along at each step than I did with Blake.  My back hurts likes the dickens ALL THE TIME (not an issue for me with Blake until nearly the end).  And I'm bigger than I was at 26 weeks with Blake too (for obvious reasons).  I get winded much more quickly, have to pee far more often, my belly button is nearly inside out (a new experience for me), and am growing out of my clothes at a much faster pace.  As long as these babies stay in as long as they're supposed to, though (at least to 37 weeks, we pray), then I know the discomfort I feel now and in the weeks to come will all be worth it.

Q: How do you keep the babies straight?  (In other words, how can I tell who is who while in utero?)
A: From our first appointment with the specialist (called a perinatologist, for those who want to know), the doctors labeled the baby closest to my cervix as "Baby A" and the other one as "Baby B".  They can each flip/turn around in their own sacs, but their sacs cannot change places within my uterus (since they are attached/secured by the placenta, which they share).  Therefore Baby A is the one always on my right side and Baby is the one on my left.  Kicks on the right are therefore from Baby A and kicks on the left are from Baby B.  Depending on their vertical position (head up or head down), I can sometimes be unsure of who is kicking me near the lungs, and who is pushing my belly from below ("Was that Baby A or Baby B?").  However, they are starting to each have their own pattern of movement and I think I can usually tell them apart.  Baby B is my feisty one, always kicking HARD and forcefully pushing and rolling against my abdominal wall; he's fairly quick with his movements too, giving me fast jabs to the gut (and bladder!) when he feels the need.  Baby A is much more gentle and slow going, making soft roll-over movements here and light pressure kicks there.  I'm excited to see if this is just how they are moving at this stage in the pregnancy and/or if these traits will follow them to the outside world . . .
**On a side note, after Baby A appeared to be flipping us the bird during the last ultrasound, the doctor hypothesized that maybe Baby A was the feisty one, and that his movements seem lighter than Baby B's only because he's kicking and pushing against his brother instead of me!  I guess time will tell on this one!  :)

Q: Since the boys are twins (and identical at that), you're going to dress them in matching outfits, right?
A: Believe it or not, but identical clothing is not a requirement for identical twins.  (I checked, and there is no manual!)  And Raleigh and I have talked about it a lot, and very quickly came to the agreement that we don't want our boys to feel like they're only a person of value when they're part of the eye-catching twin duo (face it--folks are FASCINATED by twins!).  Instead, we want them to feel special as they are, all the time, simply because they are each uniquely wonderful and amazing.  We are therefore doing what we can to celebrate their differences (whatever they may be) and encourage them to be their own person, regardless of what their brothers (Blake included) might be/do.  Of course if they look and do the same things as their brothers simply because they are brothers and close in age (and/or because they want to), that's ok--we just don't want them to feel forced to be like this and/or make anything negative up about their individual worth since they were conceived and born as a pair.  Nothing against parents of twins who found matching outfits cutesy and/or entertaining, however we will purposefully be making a different choice for our boys--at least for now.

I think that's it for now, but am sure other questions will continue to pop up.  And as I receive them, I'll ponder them and answer them honestly.  We are still learning what being members of this exclusive club is all about, and what the benefits of membership are.  The cost is high, however I believe the rewards will be even higher.  Here's to a lifetime membership!

What a difference two weeks can make!

So . . . two weeks ago we left the doctor's office feeling quite nervous and very helpless.  The boys weighed one ounce from a pound (Baby A, one under and Baby B, one over) and that 2 oz. discrepancy placed them at a 13-15% weight difference.  The "worry" benchmark for Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) would be at 20%, and even upon calm prompting, the doctor refused to tell us what our next steps would be should we hit that not-so-great number, citing the fact that all I would do was worry, and that wouldn't help any of the three of us in any positive way.  (He also forbade us to do any research on our own, since what is online doesn't give the whole picture and as he put it, "It's pretty scary stuff.")

And so we left, knowing full well there is nothing either one of us can do to change the blood flow within the placenta and/or the way the babies are sharing their source of food and nutrients.  All we could do was pray.

And so we did.  And just one day shy of two weeks later, we returned to the doctor's office . . .

Dr. Stark let us listen to their heartbeats first and foremost, so that we could have some audio confirmation as to how they're doing.  155 and 153 beats per minute . . . good.  We still held our breath.  First came Baby A . . . in the breech position (he turned again!), and measurements were taken--head circumference and femur length.  The ultrasound tech quickly typed notes into the computer system.  Dr. Stark sat near my feet, one hand on my leg, watching the screen in silence.  Then came Baby B . . . head down (he must have flipped too!), and again, measurements.  More typing.

Dr. Stark turns towards both Raleigh and I, and said, "Well, just eyeballing it here . . . I don't see any evidence of twin-to-twin."  I think we both let out a sigh of relief and I'm pretty sure, a tear of gratitude ran down my cheek just as I looked heavenward to thank the Lord and all of our family's angels.

By the time the appointment was over, we learned that Baby B had grown 5 more ounces (weighing a total of 1 lb, 6 oz.) and Baby A had closed the gap by growing 6 more ounces (weighing a total of 1 lb., 5 oz.)  Not only are they measuring where they should on the singleton weight chart for 24 weekers, but now that they're bigger, the 1 ounce difference between the two means less, and their weight discrepancy is a mere 4.5%--less than half the ideal maximum of 10%.  Hooray!  We are SO happy!

THANK YOU to all who prayed along with us for the past two weeks, and who continue to keep all 5 of us in thoughts and prayers during the coming weeks, months, and years ahead.  TTTS can develop at any time, however with each passing week of good growth on behalf of both boys, our chances of developing the condition decrease dramatically.  We still have to see the perinatologist every 2 weeks to monitor the condition of the babies (as well as occasional visits with my regular OB/GYN to ensure my well being), so although we aren't out of the woods yet, we are standing at a decent clearing and are going to continue to be watched carefully by experts for the remainder of the pregnancy.

I think just how far both boys have come since just two weeks ago . . . and I am excited to see where they'll be in another two!  Hooray for healthy babies!

Please, spare me the obvious.

• "Three boys?!  Wow--you're going to have your hands full!"
• (Looking at Blake): "He's how old?  And you're expecting twins by March?" (Big eye roll followed by a very sarcastic tone): "Good luck with that!"
• "Three kids under a year . . . wow, that's going to be tough!"

Yes, folks . . . we know.  Our situation isn't exactly typical and may not fit your vision of a perfect family.  But please, spare us the obvious.  We are well aware having three young children will likely challenge us in ways we would not have been should Blake have been an only child for some time longer.  We have already felt many emotional, physical, and financial effects of our status (Can you say, BLESSED?! We do!), and we are not shirking down from the responsibility of being the best parents we can be, to all of our children.  If you cannot say something encouraging, then please do not say anything at all.  Preparing for twins is stressful enough (if you have never done so, that just leaves less room for you to assume you know what it's like!); throw in the fact that we already have an amazing young one at home, and you might start to understand how constant reminders about how difficult life could be come spring is not helpful.  You may not realize how your comments come across, but verbalizing such things only contribute to stress and feelings of overwhelm, which are not supportive; please filter.

Instead, we relish and very much appreciate the comments that are supportive, and encourage us in our upcoming adventure . . .

• "Two more boys?  You certainly are blessed!"
• "You guys are such wonderful parents to Blake . . . these next two are lucky to have you!"
• "I can only imagine how you must be feeling . . . I'd love to help out in any way that I can, if needed.  Call me!"
• "You'll do great!  I just know it!"
• "I'm sure you are both still a bit overwhelmed, but I am so confident that you will continue to be amazing parents."

And, just for those who have wondered (whether or not you were bold enough to ask), here are a few other things we'd like folks to know (so you don't have to ask):

1. (After an obvious head-to-toe inspection of my body, catching my growing belly and an eight month old on my hip): Yes, we know what causes this.  And no, we don't want to hear your thoughts on family planning.

2. Yes, we are Catholic; and proud of it!

3. Yes, we're glad it's us and not you, too!

4. We are not prepared (nor willing) to discuss the future family planning of our family with anyone at this time; thank you for voicing your opinion, though.  (Although I will admit, I'm tempted to answer the "You're done after this, right?" question with "No we plan to keep going until we get an ugly one!")

5. Only God knows why He's given us three children so close together, yet we will always be grateful to Him for so many blessings.

And the comments about us having Irish twins (or triplets)?  Well, they're getting pretty old too.  Before you use that phrase to describe our family, please look up the origin of the phrase and be sure that's exactly the message you mean to convey.  Thank you.

One tooth, Two teeth, One poo, Two potty?!

Could it be true?  Really?!

Our little boy is growing up so fast!

Without any sign of serious teething (he's been drooling for months, as most babies do), I was surprised to find a sharp, white ridge of a tooth along Blake's bottom gum line, on October 24.  His first tooth!

Just a little more than two weeks later, on November 9th, I was surprised to feel another sharp ridge, right next to the first.  Tooth number two!  And much like the first time, we had very few signs anything was happening in that cute mouth of his.  (Now if only he'd show them off so I can upload a photo!  They're SO cute!)

And that same day . . . (this is where it gets really crazy) . . . Blake pooped in the potty!  He'd started going in his diaper in the early evening (he doesn't hide it well) and Raleigh and I thought he'd finished by about an hour later when we were getting ready for a bath.  Two seconds after hitting the water it was obvious he was still working on something, so I quickly pulled him out and sat him over the potty.  Raleigh and I encouraged him to keep going, and after a few minutes of giving us a rather perplexed look ("You want me to do what, where?!"), he began concentrating and a couple grunts later, he pushed out 3 fairly massive little man poops!  And he peed too!  Raleigh and I praised Blake in celebration, and I urged Raleigh to get the camera.  (Who could let a milestone like this go undocumented?)

Blake smiled SO big . . . you could tell he was very proud of himself, as were we!  I'll keep the "evidence" shot in our private family albums, but here's one of our proud and big little man!

Both Raleigh and I reveled in the success of the day, and have talked about it numerous times afterwards.  (Who would have thought our 8 month old would have pooped on the potty, without any "real" training?!) However, the story doesn't end there . . . last night after I returned home from a baby class at the hospital (turns out there is a lot to breastfeeding twins!), I kissed a sleeping Blake and Raleigh pointed me to the bathroom, where a diaper was folded up on the back of the toilet.

"Is it clean?" I asked, noticing that it appeared to be empty and unused.

"No, I think it was wet," Raleigh responded.  "But it's there because that's where I took it off . . . and where Blake went poop again."

"What?!  Really?!"  I was floored.  He went poop in the potty again!  Hooray!

Now before we get lots of folks telling us this is nothing special . . . it is!  And for those who say that this doesn't "mean" anything . . . it does!  We understand that Blake isn't likely to trade in diapers for little briefs any time soon, however, we think this is a good start!  And at least he's getting the idea of where to go and more so, isn't afraid to.  So . . . we'll keep at it and see if something more consistent develops!  Heck, if we can have only two kids in diapers sooner rather than later (versus three), I'll take it!

Yes, I did!

You can Color Me Rad (and call me rad, too), because I just ran a 5k!  And oh yeah, I'm 17 weeks pregnant . . . with twins!

I got permission from my doctor (and babies' doctor) first (and on more than one occasion), so don't think I was a complete nut for doing this.  (Well, if 5Ks aren't your thing, you probably do anyways, but that's ok.  They're not for everyone.)

The race wasn't timed, so I have no idea how long it took me.  And I didn't run the entire race--I walked some too.  What I can say is that folks did start before me and finish behind me, and I walked half as often as I ran (at most), so I definitely did a job worthy of being proud of--and I am!

Proof of my accomplishment is below!

Before . . .

After!

See?!  Both kiddos ran the race with me!

A BIG thank you and CONGRATS to my dear friend Jen and her wonderful family who invited me to join their team (even before we learned we were expecting), and who accomplished goals of their own that day, too!  I think we each rocked our (colored) socks off!

 

In It to Twin It!

Ok, wonder no more!  Watch the slideshow below to learn who we will be welcoming into our family in approximately 5 months:

As one might guess, we are learning LOTS about our little ones.  Here are some facts about twins that folks might be interested to know:

• Women who have a family history of fraternal twins have a higher chance of producing fraternal twins themselves, as there is a genetically linked tendency to hyper-ovulate (releasing more than one egg at a time). There is no known genetic link for identical twinning.  Other factors that increase the odds of having fraternal twins include maternal age, fertility drugs and other fertility treatments, nutrition, and prior births.  (In other words, there is no medical “reason” for us to have conceived twins!)
• Identical boy/boy twins are the LEAST common of all twin types, preceded by (in order of most common to least) fraternal boy/girl , fraternal girl/girl, fraternal boy/boy, and identical girl/girl.
• There are several types of twins:
• Fraternal twins are two separate fertilized eggs that are implanted; each has their own sac and own placenta through which they feed.  (In other words, two placentas = fraternal twins, always.)
• Monochorionic-Diamniotic identical twins are one fertilized egg that split 4-8 days after conception; each has their own sac but share the same placenta.  (In other words, one placenta = identical twins, almost always.  In a very few amount of cases, fraternal twins’ membranes can “fuse” at the implantation cite to utilize/share the same placenta yet remain fraternal.)
• Monochorionic-Monoamniotic twins are one fertilized egg that split 9-12 days after conception; they share the same placenta AND same amniotic sac.  (In other words, one sac for both babies = identical twins, always.)
• If the division of the fertilized egg occurs later than the 12 days then conjoined twins are usually the result.  There are many complications with conjoined twins, since they share many of the same organs as the “split” is between the two is not complete.
• Monozygotic (identical) twinning (one fertilized egg splitting into two) occurs in birthing at a rate of about three in every 1000 deliveries worldwide.  As far as scientists can determine, there is no reason why the egg splits - it's a spontaneous and random occurrence.
• Identical twins do not have the same fingerprints, due to the fact that even in a small space inside the womb, the babies have contact with different parts of this environment, which gives small variations in the same digital, making them unique.  And although identical twins share DNA, their DNA is not exactly identical--leaving the opportunity for physical and other obvious differences between the two.

 And a couple other little interesting tidbits:

• If identical twin girls marry and have children with identical twin boys, their children are genetically half-siblings instead of cousins due to the shared/similar DNA.  Eeew! 
• Did you know naturally conceived fraternal twins could have different fathers?!  If the mom has sex close enough to ovulation with two different men, and happens to spontaneously release two different eggs, then it is absolutely possible to have two babies by two different fathers AT ONCE!!  This has happened before (the children born at the same time by the same mother were of different races and DNA tests were used to prove paternage was not the same!), so there is proof!