Tired

 I'm so tired.  

Yes, I'm tired of waking up in the middle of the night to tend to a screaming 18-month old whose canine teeth are working their way through the gums. But the lack of sleep is just a fraction of my problem. I am tired for other reasons as well.

More than anything, I am tired of not knowing.  Not knowing how long we get to juggle schedules and rush, rush, rush to squeeze in every moment with dad as we can while still attending to work and other obligations, simply because I'm not sure if each kiss I plant on his forehead or hand and/or whispered "I love you" will be my last.  Not knowing if dad will recover, either physically or mentally, or both.  Not knowing if he'll wake up.  And if he does wake up, what will life look like?  Will he know who we are? Will he have the same witty sense of humor, same prankster spirit?  

Even if he regains all his functions and is the dad we remember and love, it will be MONTHS before he'll be able to do what he used to, if at all.  WNV takes it out of you, and even for very healthy individuals who have minimal medical interference to help them fight the virus, the weakness and fatigue that lingers takes many months to many years even, to resolve.

And if I'm this tired already, I cannot imagine how much harder this is going to get.  Ethan's surgery is next week and what we're dealing with now is in some ways about to multiply.  Even just thinking ahead makes me nauseous, as I cannot comprehend the number of balls I'll have to juggle while not gaining any more hands.  The fire is raging and I have no choice but to walk through it.

Sigh.  Ready?  No.  BUT . . ready?  Go.

I'm tired.

Perfectly Perfect and Still in Need of Prayers

As I look at my sweet Ethan tonight, I find it hard to envision how his little heart is just not working as it should--he is so perfect in our eyes! Today's echo confirmed the positive growth seen last month was short lived, as the hole in Ethan's heart remains and does not appear to be closing. It is no longer smart to "wait it out" in hopes that things change. Surgery will occur within the next two months. 

Thank you for the prayers...this momma (and her boy) really need them!

Today's Lesson

Today Blake learned two very important anatomy lessons while taking a bath with his brothers...
1. "Gentle" still (very much) applies when belly button exploring, and
2. The only penis we are allowed to touch is our own.

Thankfully, he is a quick learner.

And back down . . .

So after yesterday's good news, today's less-than-good news tastes more than bitter. 

Ethan will need open heart surgery to repair the hole in his heart; it is simply not healing on its own and the increasing weight difference between the twins (currently 1.5 lbs) is too much to ignore. Surgery will be in approximately one month.

Sigh.

All day I have been fighting all sorts of feelings about this, and am doing my best to remain both grateful and positive, which has proven more challenging than one might think.

Continued prayers for our tribe are much appreciated...

Blake's Brain--the results are in!

For those who have been following our family since God blessed us with our first son...

So today was our boys' 2 month check up. Carson weighs just over 10 lbs, which is a gain of about 4 lbs in 6 weeks. All looks good for him! Ethan weighs 8.5 lbs, which is a little less than 3 lbs in the same timeframe. All is good for him too, although his growth is definitely slower since he doesn't eat as much as his brother due to VSD tiring him out during feedings. Checked his oxygen level, which is fine, so good there. He has an echocardiogram tomorrow, which hopefully will tell us more on whether or not the hole in his little heart is closing on its own or not (gulp).

In other news . . . DRUM ROLL PLEASE . . . Blake's one-year follow up MRI results are in and all but one of the spots that were "never going to go away" are gone!! In fact, all spots in the critical language center of his brain have disappeared! The lone spot remaining is on the side of the brain, smaller in size than before (only 4 mm), and now characterized not as dead tissue but as "high density white matter" which can sometimes exist in folks without previous injury. Our God is an AWESOME God and Blake proves to be a miracle again! A perfect little head on our perfect little boy! 

Now for those angels to heal Ethan's heart so he can catch back up to Carson in size and remain healthy and happy . . .

Thank you to everyone for your prayers; keep them coming!!

Boy Smells

Raleigh: Did you notice that Carson already smells like 'boy'?

Me: What?! 'Boy'?!

Raleigh: Yeah, 'boy'. If we don't give him a bath at night, he smells like 'boy'. Here . . . (He lifts Carson's head to my face, at which point in time I give a quick sniff over.)

Me: That's 'boy' smell?

Raleigh: Yup. (As he issues me a quick proud papa smile.)

Me: Well then, I guess I have a lot more of that to look forward to, don't I?

Here's to a lifetime of 'boy' smells, and all that comes with it. :)

I choose...

Laundry.
Dishes.
Write Thank You notes.
Sort mail.
Work on journals/baby books.
Upload and order photographs.
Organize baby gear and hand-me-down clothing.

I have SO much to do.  Really, the list is quite exhausting.

Yet instead of any of these, I choose to hold my babies.  Stroke their hair.  Trace my finger over their soft cheeks, and lay a gentle kiss upon each one.  Soak in each moment of this never-to-be-repeated day in their babyhood.

I choose to sit on the floor with Blake midday, barefoot and in our pajamas, and stack blocks as quickly as possible before he knocks them to the floor.  To delight in his boyish giggle and that irresistible toothy smile.  To remember how happy he is to simply have me here, playing with him.

I choose to breathe deeply, and remember that today is just one day.  One day, that I will never get to see again.  So take it in, I will.
Everything else can wait.