Six Months, One Year, Two Years

Wow.  Time moves so fast.  And yet at times, the opposite seems true.

These past two weeks have held much emotion for me, as I've pondered where we were 6 months, one year, and also two years ago . . .

SIX MONTHS AGO

I went from hospital to hospital for this:

and this:

I prayed.  I held hands.  I cried.  I paced the hallways.  I didn't sleep, yet I was exhausted beyond description.  I prayed some more.  I shouted at the walls in angry rants.  I prayed.  I was overwhelmed and unsure.  I cried even more.  I asked questions.  And I prayed. My heart hurt.

And now, six months later, I get to experience this:

ONE YEAR AGO

I went from this:

to this:

I knew life was going to change come February, but that's about all I knew.  The boys came and I couldn't see straight. I wasn't sleeping. (Ok I WAS sleeping, but in increments too short and too few to really count.) I was head over heels in love with the two newest members of our family, and yet I was miserable at the same time. I was overwhelmed to the point where it felt like I was drowning on dry land. I had everything I ever wanted--and yet didn't want--at the same time. My heart hurt.

And now, one year later, I get to experience this:

TWO YEARS AGO

I went from this:

to this:

In what felt like seconds our world was turned upside-down, and not in the way we had imagined or hoped for. I was scared. I didn't sleep. I cried. I spent countless hours simply watching and praying, and praying and watching. I would sneak kisses when the nurses weren't looking and dreamed of the day I could hold my happy, healthy little boy. I held little fingers and sobbed into the chest of a strong husband who was as scared and as uncertain as I.  I was overwhelmed.  I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.  My heart hurt.

And now, two years later, I get to experience this:

So much can happen, so fast.  I may have plans and I can dream, however the Lord only knows where I will be six months, one year, and two years from now. 

And no matter what I face, I can be sure of one thing--God is bigger.

Sweetness

Snuggling with Blake in the rocking chair tonight (something that I usually miss out on since I am busy feeding the twins), and I kiss his forehead and tell him I love him. He looks back up me and smiles, then settles his way into my arms and closes his eyes. "Thank you, God, for making me Blake's mommy," I say softly. 
"Ain-yoo," Blake chimes in.  (That's his 'thank you'.)
Sigh. Be still my melting heart...

First Regret of 2014

I didn't have the camera handy when I entered the bathroom to find Blake sitting in the filling bathtub (with 2-3 inches of water already in it), fully clothed and crying. With two younger, yet not-totally-innocent-looking brothers standing at the edge of the tub, watching.

JOYFUL.

It's that time again . . . time for change, new direction, and unseen possibilities.  And as before, I'm going to ditch the traditional New Year's Resolution list to select what my friend Jen calls a "touchpoint" or a "companion" for the next year.  Time to choose a word for how I want experience (and therefore how I want to be) this coming year.

And I'll admit, I write this post with much angst, as this is a big deal.  A BIG deal.  My word for 2013 was TRUST (click here to read all about that one!), and boy oh boy, did I have plenty of opportunities to practice that!  From welcoming the boys via c-section early in the year, to learning to "grow gills" as I not-so-gracefully transitioned to parenting 3 young kiddos, to searching for adequate day care for the boys, to my Dad getting suddenly and deathly sick (an experience that wasn't short-lived, either), to Ethan having open heart surgery . . . it's been quite the year and I've had no lack of occasions during which I could focus on and live out my word.  And although I struggled immensely in the moment, I look back and can see that despite the intense challenge, my word was perfect for all I encountered and supported me especially when I found myself in situations much bigger than myself, during which I needed to have some reassurance (and hope!) things were going to (somehow) be ok. In some small way, my ability to TRUST played a part in helping me survive this past year.

Survive.  In so many ways, I feel like that word alone summarizes what I did this past year. It was hard, really hard. And although I have some pretty amazing stories to tell and benchmarks upon which I can count the year as a success, I am pretty sure I could do without the stress and chaos I feel I found myself swimming in for a good portion of the last 365 days.

That leads me into what more/different/better I want for this year.  Sure, I want to survive; yet I want to do more than that, too.  I want to thrive, and in doing so, I want to live joyfully.

I want more peace, less chaos and stress.  I want to laugh more and cry less.  I want to delight in my children more often, playing with and loving them with a blissful energy that matches theirs.  I want the "tasks" required by motherhood and marriage to be accomplished cheerfully, with a spring in my step and a constant, happy reminder of how blessed I am to get to be three little persons' mommy and someone's wife.  I want to enjoy more, and "manage" or "simply get by" less.  I want to smile more often, and spend less time clenching my jaw while bracing for the next impact.  I want to take in full, deep breaths that rejuvenate, not little wisps of half-breaths that feel like they're coming through a straw and simply allow me to tread water for another minute or two.  I want to nurture the relationships that are important to me, contributing to their vibrancy and growth, not be in the position to lean on them one-directionally, drawing their life and energy dry.  I want to feel free of the emotional weight that has burdened my shoulders for so long, and instead skip with a lightness and bounce that nearly leaves me weightless.  I want to live a life that is VIBRANT and exciting, nourishing and generous, lively and regenerating . . . and I want to enjoy it all.

I know I cannot prevent the things that occurred this past year from happening again, and I know that 2014 is likely to hold its own stresses and challenges to wade through and conquer.  If there's anything I learned from 2013, though, it's that each moment is a gift and I am blessed in more ways than I can count.  This year, I want that understanding to permeate all that I do, and allow me to truly enjoy all I've been given.

I choose JOYFUL . . .

Thank You, God

For baby breaths--hot, humid puffs of air against my neck, born by a slumbering babe snuggled into my chest.
For deep wrinkles in stretched skin, and a scar across my lower abdomen--a visible reminder of the three miracles I carried, and of the great technology and amazing doctors who helped us safely welcome them to this side of my belly button.
For sunshine and the warmth it brings, no matter the ambient temperature.
For an incredible partner, lover, husband, friend; Raleigh, you are my rock and I love you!
For pomegranates and the burst of juicy goodness each aril makes as it pops in my mouth.
For my Daddy, the world's strongest man and the first one I ever loved. He carried me on his shoulders, kissed my cheeks, and taught me how to properly wield a hammer, and now, for the opportunity to watch him dote, carry, kiss, and love on my boys.
For time; each minute I am blessed to draw breath, experience life, and BE.
For free will, forgivness, and the love of a heavenly Father that is deep beyond comprehension.
For the sparkle in the bright blue eyes of an almost two-year old, whose "Mama" can melt my heart even when throwing the biggest of tantrums.
For little piles of potting soil and garden rocks ground into the carpet, greasy handprints on freshly washed window panes, and chunks of half-eaten food stuck to the bottom of my socks--signs that I have active little people underfoot, everyday.
For naptime, whenever I'm blessed to partake.
For our home, a humble (and oftentimes cramped) abode that keeps us warm and dry, that holds our tears and laughter, and in some ways, has symbolically held the heart of our little family steady while chaos swirls wildly.
For my Mom, the always unpredictable/good for a laugh/heart of gold/tell-it-like-it-is force that has taught me to be strong in the face of adversity while loving with all I have.
For health--my own and this year especially, that of my family and those I love.
For healing in all forms.
For the soft touch of my pillow against my face, in a bed that I wish I could spend more time in.
For rainbows.
For letters and cards, handwritten or otherwise--gifts that touch the heart simply because someone took the time to send them.
For my husband's culinary talents and mechanical smarts; I am one lucky lady!
For my youngest born, whose spirit is like fire in more ways than one, and whose heart--both literal and figurative--has already taught so many of us so much.
For the annoying buzz of the alarm, reminding me that despite the early hour, I have an outlet to express my talents in a way that helps others and from which I can earn pay and help support our family.
For the piles and piles and piles of laundry I wash and dry, as we have plenty of clothing to keep us fitted and warm.
(And on that note, for the technology of the washing machine, dryer, and dishwasher!)
For the three-toothed smile of the oldest twin, whose joy is indisputable and deep giggle contagious.
For rain and  the cleansing it brings.
For hot chocolate and snuggles beside the fireplace.
For Wednesdays, the "extra" day each week I get to delight in my children without the distraction of work. 

For the love and support of family and friends, who remind us we are never alone, ever.
For light.
For love.
For everything . . . I am so blessed.

"Advice"

One of my dearest friends is soon to give birth to her second child. As she  approaches his/her (still unknown) birthday, I asked what I could for her to support her pre-baby. Although I was thinking she'd request pre-made meals, diapers, laundry (or something of the sort), she insisted that all I give her is--advice.  Specifically, she asked me to share my "thoughts, tips and tricks" to having more than one child at home.

"What a silly idea," I thought.  "Who in the world am I to give advice on parenting?!  I'm still learning for myself and most days, wonder if I'm even close to getting this right!"

She was a HUGE support to me when I was pregnant with Blake (since she had recently been pregnant with her first as well) and so I felt like although I probably could "do" something more helpful to support her in getting ready for baby #2, I would kindly accomodate her request and share with her what I know.  (As if I am an expert, HARDLY!)  Yet since SO many other folks (friends and strangers alike) see us out with three little ones and ask us how we do what we do, I thought maybe others might like to see my thoughts on the matter, based on our experience.  I have thought about it a lot, and here is a summary of what I've learned this far . . .

Advice From Still-Learning, Not-So-Expert Parents of One Plus More

1. Trust your gut!

You know what you know and no one knows your kids or what works best for your family than you.  Believe that you CAN do a great job, and you will!

2. Keep moving.

Having more than one child requires that you live in almost constant motion.  Why?  Because that's what the chillins do!  In their 7 months of life I've seen the kids all take a substantial nap at the same time only a handful of times.  And now that the twins are crawling (and Blake is running), Raleigh and I are moving as fast as we can to stay one step ahead of them.  As Raleigh says, "it's like herding cats."

3. Give yourself (and your partner) much grace.

Especially in the early days of having more than one, it's easy to find yourself doing things you swore you would never do such as letting your oldest watch t.v. or sleep in your bed, eating breakfast cereal for dinner, or wearing your pajamas until bedtime.  It's not the end of the world and your children will not be ruined.  Sometimes, you just do what you need to do to make it through the day, and then start again tomorrow.

4. Here and there, INDULGE!

It took me MONTHS to carve the time out to paint my toenails after the boys were born.  And I felt like such a lady when I did, my only regret was not making the time to do it sooner.  I learned it is important to do little things here and there to treat oneself in the name of nurture.  To indulge even just a little bit can refresh the soul more than you might think.

5. It's all about . . . timing.

Whether you feel like you're going to pull your hair out or you're having a blissful I-have-this-parenting-thing-down type of day depends greatly on the timing of things.  Something as little as the timing of meals, naps, playtime, etc. make a huge difference in how your kids do during the day and how you as a parent respond.  I can still remember when this finally "clicked" for us--one day the kids were off just enough to run us ragged (Blake wanting to play at the same time I was trying to feed the twins, then needing to eat as I was trying to lay them down, etc.) and the next they were well behaved smiley angels and I didn't feel quite so stressed.  So play around with the timing of things until you find a pattern that works.  And as things flux (because they will), adjust accordingly.

6. If they all start to cry at once, take a deep breath.  Then, proceed to suggestions #1 and #2.

And if you need to cry too, it's ok.

7. Ask for help!

Chances are if you look around you, you have lots of friends and family who love you and are willing (and happy!) to lend a hand where need be, whether it's watching your kids, helping with a meal or transportation, cleaning, or just listening to you and reminding you you're doing a great job.  If you feel in need of some outside support, it's ok!  Just ask!  There is great truth to the line "it takes a village to raise a child," and this isn't more true than when you have more than one child to raise.

Give me time, and I'm sure I'll think of more "tips" to add.  Parenthood is a process and despite how easy we may make it look (I still cannot believe folks who tell us we make it look easy--ha, what a joke!), I don't think we'll ever be experts!

Why?!

Tonight I am sad, which isn't new.  But I'm also angry too, and that also is not new.  I'm afraid to say I'm getting really good at being both sad and angry . . .

So random, indeed.  And SO unfair.  Why dad?  Why now?  I mean really . . . why couldn't it be someone else?  Someone who is mean, unloving, disrespectful, violent, etc.  Someone who doesn't have any family or friends, who hates life and/or isn't going to be living it (i.e. a criminal already locked up somewhere).  Why?!

I know, I know--I sound horrible right now.  And life isn't fair.  And sometimes, bad things happen to good people.  I get it.  I've heard it before.  That still doesn't change the way I feel.  And no, I'm not wishing this on anyone else; I'm simply wishing it wasn't my dad.  MY dad.  My hero.  The first man I've ever loved.  One of my biggest fans and my boys' sweet Papa.  Why?!

I'd be lying if I said I haven't raised my head to the heavens and asked Him directly, "What do you think you're doing?!" as this reality we're living doesn't feel like we're being protected, cared for, or loved in any sensible way . . .

And yet, I cannot give up hope.  I won't.  It's literally all I have to cling onto right now, as Dad lay in ICU fighting for his life and Ethan is scheduled to undergo open heart surgery later this week.  They both HAVE to pull through this.  There's no question.  Any other alternative is not acceptable.

Which leads me to feeling sad.  And angry.  And asking why.  WHY?!