Even the snow didn't keep Santa away!

Ok, so here's the scoop: I came come tonight after nearly a week away from my house (I alternated my stay during the snowstorm and then Christmas holiday with Raleigh and my parents) and to my surprise, found 4 beautifully wrapped packages lying underneath the Christmas tree and a card propped against my bathroom mirror. I was so stunned, that I almost didn't notice the note scrawled into my dresser mirror (with window markers), that indicated although I'd already received my gifts for the holiday, Santa had managed to find my house as well!

The card was a beautiful note of love that warmed my heart instantly and held the gift of a relaxing massage and the gifts under the tree were equally as wonderful. I cried for several minutes at the sheer cleverness of the whole thing (I'm still scratching my head wondering how he pulled this off and once he did, how he managed to keep quiet about it!) and the realization (yet again), that someone I love and care about with all that I have loves me the same. Actions speak louder than words and again, I'm blown away. The ginormous smile that emerged from my face after this evening's discovery, I'm sure, reflected just that. :)

What a very merry end to a very merry holiday with a very merry (and special) man! :)

The Black Eyed Peas have said it before . . .

Seriously . . . where is the love?

I know that most folks here in town were cooped up for days because of the blizzard, and that many are simply more irritable during this time of year because of regular holiday and family stresses, but is that really any reason to behave as I've seen the masses behave over the past day and a half?

My analysis of the situation (after my not-brief-enough Christmas shopping experience earlier today) reveals that there are obviously three key components missing:

1) Common Sense--Don't expect it, because it's gone. Drive the right direction on a one-way? Keep whining, crying, cranky, tired kids at home? Walk on the sidewalk instead of the street? Nope . . . not this time!

2) Common Courtesy--This, too, seems to have disappeared. This time of the year it's ok to drive in two lanes at once, block the entire store aisle with a shopping cart (and NO intention of moving), cut in lines at shopping centers and gas stations, and leave unwanted items (carts, products, trash, etc.) where it doesn't belong simply because.

3) Grace--Where some may have existed before, expect absolutely none now. The little bit of random kindness and charity that is usually extended to older folks who have trouble walking long distances, single parents with their hands full of groceries and bouncing little kids, hardworking people who shovel the walks, plow the streets, stock the store shelves, and deliver the mail . . . all seem to get the short end of the stick this time of year. Why are they suddenly overlooked, forgotten, and/or ignored?

It's almost as if the public's motto is "Everyone out for himself/herself" or "Who I am and what I want is most important and nothing (and/or nobody) else matters."

So the question still stands; where is the love?

First Ski

I finally did it! I snow skiied! :) Hooray, hooray!

The day began with me getting up at the crack of dawn, getting dressed in many layers and gathering all I would need for the day. I had pants and hats and boots and skis and gloves and sunglasses . . . Heck, I even had special socks! Maybe I went a bit overboard, but I figured it'd be better to do this right (and stay warm and dry all day) the first time.

After the truck was packed and I had fuel in my belly (Thank you, Chef Raleigh!), we left town and headed West.

Now, half-day ski school at Breckenridge begins at 10am. When the clock was quickly approaching that special hour and we were still over 20 minutes away, a quick decision was made and we decided intstead to invade Keystone. We parked the truck and headed into the village to register me for class. :)

For those who don't know (as we clearly didn't), Keystone doesn't offer half-day morning ski school . . . they only offer afternoon classes! So instead of learning how to ski with a half-dozen or more other first timers late in the afternoon, I opted for a private lesson. :)

My crash course on snow skiing began with me stepping into my skis and letting Raleigh push me 50 ft. or so up the hill. He turned me around, taught me how to point my skis so I could stop, then walked back down the hill to watch me in action. I must not have done too badly as my lesson only involved another 20 minutes or so (learning how to turn, lean, and lift my skis) before we hit the gondola to go to the top of the mountain.

I ended up making 4 full runs that day (with only one really good tumble), and at the end of day, I was beat. My legs were so sore I could barely walk, and as the sun started sinking below the mountains, the air chilled rather quickly.

Overall, I had a wonderfully wonderful day and couldn't have asked for more. I had an excellent teacher who was patient and kind and supportive and encouraging . . . and helped made the experience as fun and as special as possible.

Granted, there are many things I'm still working on. For example, how to walk gracefully in ski boots, how to perform an emergency slow-down without eating snow, and how to carry my poles and skiis at the same time. Oh, and so far, the chairlift is considered an uncharted territory, so that item may require additional assistance later on as well.

Point is, I'm now officially a snow skiier and look forward to the days when I'll get to practice and then perfect my skills. Bring 'em on! :)

When I go . . .

One of the girls in the office is coping with her grandmother's growing illness and depreciating state. While she has not left us just yet, her upcoming passing has prompted some rather deep discussions amongst us these past few days.

Upon much thought, I've come to the conclusion (and have felt for awhile) that I'd like to be cremated upon my death. I'd like my ashes scattered here in Colorado, preferably up in the mountains where the wind may blow them around our beautiful state. From the tops of the purple peaks I've climbed and admired since birth to the gentle grasses of the prairies on the plains I've crossed to the cool waters of the lakes on which I've waterskiied . . . I'd love to return to them all. My soul won't remain in this world, however I'm sure my spirit will still be dancing.

I am a rich girl with a grateful heart

I may not have tons of money, however I am one of the wealthiest women I know. And as this holiday season quickly approaches us, here are just a few reasons why I am thankful:

God Mom Dad Bryan Raleigh Megan Byron Haylee Debbie Allison Brian Paula Nick Tiffany Scotty da Hottie Jaime Debberoo Stephen Susan Sean Paul Eric Drew Kelly Charles Abram Dawn Sam Al Celena Dave Amanda Izzy Amy Kenneth Andrea Grandma Holly Angel Mary Dan Rudge Laura Anthony Uncle Tony Aunt Cindy Courtney Michael Aundra Nancy Lauren Robin Marc Trina Carol Kevin Beth Barb Corey Roger Brandon Jen Bryan Jodie Genoa Jean Ryan Elizabeth Kim Connie Matt Jules Dan Tiffiny Dana Nicole Matt Melissa Liz Eric Fallon Aunt Ruthie Uncle Michael Tracy Hollie Jamie Mandell Aunt Jan Jennifer Pat Izak Emilia Kate Makensie Ben Zach Marilyn Tobie Mike Tim Randy Dawna Rob Shane Tanya Scott Brad Tony Walt Kim Aunt Patti Uncle Ace Miranda Teresa Sarah Aunt Sue Uncle Ed Jen Shannon David Phil Alyssa Patrick Adam Nicole Amanda Kate Glenn Janine Eve Jamie Carla Jocelyn Ryan Oliver Cindy Kyle Jen Brett Angelina Tiffany Mary Derek Laura Jessie Gwen Heidi Andrea Jessie Troy Amber Amanda R.J. Tessa Nate Nicole Sophia Jamie Peter Jordanna Elaine Dave Joe Kelly Matthew Dylan Cindy Andy Angela Mandy Angelina Jolauter Aaron Sarah Tyler Jacob Rascal Kevin Susan Jeremy Kevin Mark Tina Judy Cherie Paul Tim Jenn John Keith Aunt Rosie Uncle Jim John Julie Brian Kevin Nathan Bart Pauline AnneMarie Michelle Pat Dixie Lisa Rayna Dr. Pulchalski Christian Curtis Bradley Shayla Stephen . . .
(deep breath) . . . .
ice cream pajamas stars blue skies sunshine roller coasters waterskiing snow pumpkin pie rain berries e-cards surprises warm brownies flowers health India Brazil China back tickles hot cocoa democracy mud jello wrestling mountains ocean paper clips space fresh air toothpaste time maps music books . . .

Dry Tears

I'm a crier. I am. I can usually moisten several tissues at minimum, and when I'm feeling for those I'm extremely close to, can fill buckets even. Seriously. Crying is just part of how I feel when I'm sad and is a crucial part of my grieving process.

For whatever reason, though, I haven't really been able to shed any tears this time. The recent deaths of a high school friend's younger brother and my cousin's husband--both to suicide--have not moved me to tears and grief the same way I usually am moved. Don't get me wrong--I am saddened to the core about both of these losses; my heart is as heavy as it's ever been when I've lost someone I loved. The problem this time is that I haven't been able to shake that heaviness. I haven't been able to move beyond the numb sensation that overcame me when I first heard the news. This is odd and very disregulating to me. How can I heal and move on if I'm not able to go through my normal emotional process?

As I've struggled since last week to feel something . . . anything . . . I've had the chance to think the situation over . . . and over . . . and over. The only conclusions (if you can call them that) I've come to are these:
1) Answers usually assist me in healing. Knowing why or how something happened--even if it isn't pretty--has helped me in the past sort things out so not only can my mind comprehend them, but also so my heart can feel them. Not having any answers, nor any source from which to get them, has left me in a bit of a quandry I'm not sure how to get out of. Perhaps surrendering to the idea that there are no answers for situations like this is my only available route. Searching for what may never come can be exhausting and emotionally disastrous.
2) I'm overwhelmed. Receiving news like this is enough to pull anyone off the tracks; receiving it twice within 10 minutes has the potential to completely derail the train. Perhaps more to process in a shorter time can only equal a longer healing period. Maybe.
3) I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I feel helpless and weak. I want to do something to ease the pain of those I love (as doing so always makes me feel better as well), yet there is nothing I can say or do that will make the dark reality seem any lighter. There was no physical sickness that the victims are now free of, no obvious hardships they have been released from . . . no rationale at all. When the act itself is completely irrational, how can there be???
4) I am scared and want what I can't have. Neither of these situations were predictable (if they were, they wouldn't have happened, I am sure), and caught everyone involved off guard. I see the pain that's left behind, and never want to experience this again--especially from those closest to me. I want to be promised by everyone I care about that they won't ever do such a thing, that they won't ever choose to end their life and leave the rest of us asking "why?" yet I know that is a rather meaningless request.
5) I'm feeling especially needy right now and I hate it. I want to be hugged. I want to be held. I don't want to be alone. This is a new place for me as I'm a very independent woman and am often the one others lean on in tough times, not the one doing the leaning. Poor Raleigh caught the brunt of it all this weekend as my parents left town for one of the funerals and although he repeatedly asked what he could do to support me, I had no real answers to give him. Last night I didn't want to be alone so I practically invited myself into his presence, and although he was sweet enough to welcome me with open arms, I realize my request wasn't really a fair one. The rest of the world doesn't have to stop because I'm in an emotional haze . . . and those I care about certainly don't have to clear their schedule to allow time and space for me to mourn.

So, all that being said, I'm not quite sure what to do. I've prayed. I've ran. I've talked. I've written. I've ran some more and prayed some more. I'm still not where I feel I should be. I am not able to put my thumb on exactly "where I should be," but I know it's not here. When feeling down I can usually see the light at the end of the tunnel (or at least believe that it's there, right around the next turn), however I haven't been quite so certain this time. I definitely don't believe I'll feel this way forever, yet the slow progression thus far has me seriously wondering how long this might last?

The good news is that I spoke with my mother earlier this evening and she shared with me some of the details of the service today and time spent with the family. Her words were uncomfortable and comforting all at the same time, and to my joyful surprise, produced tears--real, wet ones--that lasted beyond the moment when we said, "I love you," and ended the call. I felt so stirred inside I decided to go for a run, and managed to shed several tears along the way. I still haven't had a sob-fest of my usual caliber yet, and I wonder if I ever will? Perhaps this very un-normal experience for me is as normal as it's supposed to be, and perhaps dry tears aren't so atypical after all . . .

Incessant chatter from my grey matter

Raleigh
ACT/SAT tests--flashback to high school
Paula, Tiffany, Jeanette, Megan . . . all my girls from way back when
Nick, Brian, Ryan, Raleigh . . . boys, boys, boys--many still are
Raleigh's mullet
Megan's baby
baby shower
pink, blue, yellow, green
gift . . . does this mean I have to go shopping?! Argh!
ice cream
ice cream maker . . . a wonderful b-day gift I've yet to use (Odd yet true!)
next family birthday
Mom
birthday cake versus pumpkin pie
Thanksgiving dinner
Raleigh
rain to snow
mountains
learning to ski for the first time
hot cocoa
fire in the fireplace
hot tub
hot, bubbling water
Mom and her latest frustrations
laundry . . . Lord knows I have enough
swing dancing . . . so much fun!
new shoes
pretty red dress
Dawn's wedding
gift . . . argh--more shopping!!
headache
family drama
Bryan and his girl
mint cookie catastrophe . . . only a select few know about this one
Raleigh
carpet cleaning
carpet stretching . . . still on the to-do list
bills
Dad and his job situation
presenting matches
important photographs . . . how one little picture can mean so much!
printing photos
painting & decorating guest room
green curtains
Raleigh
ice cream
shower
manicure/pedicure appointment tomorrow
Connie and her healing leg
phone call
Isabel and unreturned email
plethora of envelopes . . . I only use a few now since everything is online
pending mail orders
trash carry-out
chilly air . . . wish I could stay barefoot, oh well . . .
late night, long to-do list
warm waterbed
sleep
set alarm clock
darker mornings, earlier evenings = shorter days
summer is over . . . (sniff, sniff!)
winter clothes
changing seasons
autumn colors
changing leaves
changing lives
change
new and different
Raleigh
love . . . I was ready yet he still caught me by surprise!
kiss
kiss
kiss
blushing
"Kimisms" . . . at least I'll always be known for something! : )
ice cream
ice cream . . . mint chocolate chip in freezer
ice cream
ice cream . . . I really want some yet should hold off if I can . . .
alternative options to distract myself
reading! . . . I have several great books I'm working on
novel I wrote
call publisher . . . still scared to do so, not sure why
Raleigh . . . always encouraging me to stretch and grow
self reflection . . . what can I do? How do I contribute?
friends
family
work
early morning . . . I want to get in extra-early tomorrow
early night
bedtime
Raleigh . . .