I'm craving . . . attention.

God, that sounds so clingy. So dependent. So whiny. So NOT me.

(Sigh)

Ok so I'm going to do my best to be completely honest, without turning into a grumbling blob of complaints and ickyness, as I feel that despite my best intentions, that's exactly where this could go, should I allow it. (Deep breath)

The earthquake on January 12th really kicked things into high gear for me at work. Don't get me wrong--I was VERY busy before January 12th--however after January 12th, it seemed as if someone had pushed the hyperspeed button and I was buried in more work than I could ever imagine, with deadlines that passed before I had a chance to know what hit me. I spent countless hours at work (really--I was there over the weekend and stayed until 10p on some nights), I worked from home, and for one stretch of time (about 3 days) I was on the phone so much throughout the night that I don't think I got more than 3-4 consecutive hours of sleep. And I did it for all the children of Haiti who had adoptive families here anxiously waiting to bring them home. It was all worth it; that is (and always has been) very clear.

Saturday I got to see some of those families with their children, at a luncheon celebration we held at CCAI. It was so awesome to see them there, together, nearly 4 full months after their world was shaken apart by the earthquake.

I worked SO hard . . .

Yet for a SECOND time after everything unfolded, as our "upper management" gave public recognition to those who made a contribution to bring the children home, my name was left out. It probably wouldn't have been so bad had there been many folks acknowledged for their part in things (it's easy to leave one name out of a long list), however I was left out of a long list of 3. My two coworkers were recognized (several times over, even) in the speeches that were given that afternoon, however my name--one of only TWO staffers who work full-time on our Haiti program--was never mentioned. Not by any of them, anyways (one family clearly saw the exclusion and shouted "Kim rocks!" from his seat, only for the main speaker to continue talking without so much as a hiccup).

So why is it that I am craving such recognition right now, for this? Why is it so important (or seemingly so important) to me to hear my name? I know the children are here with their families (the ultimate goal of our work was successfully realized!). I know the families are aware of my contribution and have expressed great gratitude at various times throughout the process. I know that I CHOSE to work as hard as I did, so truly I have no one to hold responsible for my contribution other than myself. I work in social services . . . my work is supposed to be selfless and noble, not selfish and dramatic.

I have programs . . .

All that being said a good friend tonight suggested that I let it all go, for the main fact that the One whom I really want to please the most has indeed noticed my contribution, and will reward me accordingly in some way when the time is right. This is so true, so true. Why do I care what worldly recognition I receive (great or small), when I know that the rewards from my Father in heaven will be even more than I can imagine? Why am I feeling less than, simply because humans (totally capable of error) have chosen not to utter my name; I know my self worth is not tied to an atta girl or a public applause . . . why not believe in and embrace my greatness now, as it so exists?

Hmph. I know all this yet I'm still craving it--attention.

Perhaps the lesson is in what isn't said about me, rather than what is . . .