And back down . . .

So after yesterday's good news, today's less-than-good news tastes more than bitter. 

Ethan will need open heart surgery to repair the hole in his heart; it is simply not healing on its own and the increasing weight difference between the twins (currently 1.5 lbs) is too much to ignore. Surgery will be in approximately one month.

Sigh.

All day I have been fighting all sorts of feelings about this, and am doing my best to remain both grateful and positive, which has proven more challenging than one might think.

Continued prayers for our tribe are much appreciated...

Blake's Brain--the results are in!

For those who have been following our family since God blessed us with our first son...

So today was our boys' 2 month check up. Carson weighs just over 10 lbs, which is a gain of about 4 lbs in 6 weeks. All looks good for him! Ethan weighs 8.5 lbs, which is a little less than 3 lbs in the same timeframe. All is good for him too, although his growth is definitely slower since he doesn't eat as much as his brother due to VSD tiring him out during feedings. Checked his oxygen level, which is fine, so good there. He has an echocardiogram tomorrow, which hopefully will tell us more on whether or not the hole in his little heart is closing on its own or not (gulp).

In other news . . . DRUM ROLL PLEASE . . . Blake's one-year follow up MRI results are in and all but one of the spots that were "never going to go away" are gone!! In fact, all spots in the critical language center of his brain have disappeared! The lone spot remaining is on the side of the brain, smaller in size than before (only 4 mm), and now characterized not as dead tissue but as "high density white matter" which can sometimes exist in folks without previous injury. Our God is an AWESOME God and Blake proves to be a miracle again! A perfect little head on our perfect little boy! 

Now for those angels to heal Ethan's heart so he can catch back up to Carson in size and remain healthy and happy . . .

Thank you to everyone for your prayers; keep them coming!!

Boy Smells

Raleigh: Did you notice that Carson already smells like 'boy'?

Me: What?! 'Boy'?!

Raleigh: Yeah, 'boy'. If we don't give him a bath at night, he smells like 'boy'. Here . . . (He lifts Carson's head to my face, at which point in time I give a quick sniff over.)

Me: That's 'boy' smell?

Raleigh: Yup. (As he issues me a quick proud papa smile.)

Me: Well then, I guess I have a lot more of that to look forward to, don't I?

Here's to a lifetime of 'boy' smells, and all that comes with it. :)

I choose...

Laundry.
Dishes.
Write Thank You notes.
Sort mail.
Work on journals/baby books.
Upload and order photographs.
Organize baby gear and hand-me-down clothing.

I have SO much to do.  Really, the list is quite exhausting.

Yet instead of any of these, I choose to hold my babies.  Stroke their hair.  Trace my finger over their soft cheeks, and lay a gentle kiss upon each one.  Soak in each moment of this never-to-be-repeated day in their babyhood.

I choose to sit on the floor with Blake midday, barefoot and in our pajamas, and stack blocks as quickly as possible before he knocks them to the floor.  To delight in his boyish giggle and that irresistible toothy smile.  To remember how happy he is to simply have me here, playing with him.

I choose to breathe deeply, and remember that today is just one day.  One day, that I will never get to see again.  So take it in, I will.
Everything else can wait.

Outnumbered

It's happened.  We're officially outnumbered.  :)

At 10:19a on Saturday, February 16th Carson Matthew Elstun was born.  One minute later, his brother Ethan Joseph made his way into this world.  Both boys weighed in over 5 lbs each (Carson at 5 lbs 6 oz and Ethan at 5 lbs and 1 oz) and let us know how healthy they were by crying often and LOUD from the moment they made it to this side of my belly button.  (In fact, at one point, both kids were crying in unison!  Raleigh's got a great video/recording of that!)  They were so healthy in fact, that their APGAR scores were 8/9 and 7/8 respectively; we were/are so proud and happy!

And because the boys were doing so wonderful, they got to stay with me/us the entire time after birth--no NICU visit!  They roomed with us in the Mother/Baby Unit and were discharged with me on Tuesday, February 19th.  Hooray!

Besides having normal pre-surgery jitters and a reasonable amount of anxiety related to what life may look like once the boys were born, the only scare we had was at the end of our hospital stay when we learned that Ethan's heart murmur is caused by a moderate-sized VSD which will need some follow-up.  Other than that, we experienced peace and calm and general happiness that we weren't so lucky to experience during Blake's birth.  What a blessing that our "high-risk" pregnancy and delivery was smoother than most everyone (including our doctors) could have guessed.

Still, now that we're on the back side of that part of the process, I surmise that ease we experienced was to make up for the double amount of work that it's taken at home, transitioning to a family of five.  Because believe you me, it's been a LOT of work and Raleigh and I have been seriously challenged, sometimes feeling like we're barely surviving...

Clash of the Schedules:  Babies need to eat every 2-3 hours.  I pump after nursing in order to increase my milk production, and provide bottles for the boys to eat at night (saving time when I'd rather be sleeping).  Blake naps twice per day very much on schedule and is in bed by a certain time each night.  Making sure I have the kids awake at the right time so that Blake can still get his naps in (and get to bed every evening) and the boys can eat on time has been tough.  Add in time for pumping and the desire to still get on the floor and play with Blake when I can, and there isn't much time for anything else.  Hopefully we'll continue to fine-tune the daily schedule until we find a groove that flows.

Teething and Nighttime Feedings:  It's truly a bummer when you are up every 2 hours to feed (and/or pump) throughout the night, only to have your one year old wake up screaming right as you crawl into bed because his mouth hurts due to incoming teeth.  It's a double bummer when he then refuses to go to bed for two more hours because, well . . . he can.  Bottom line--there's no good time for teething; especially with newborn twins at home.

Big Brother Blake: We're still working on "gentle", although he's really doing quite great.  He loves to kiss his brothers (see below for image of the adorable act) and yet can get carried away with "patting" their heads and faces.  (Aren't newborn eyes so irresistible to poke at?!)  He also can still be a bit clingy at times, wanting to be held exactly at the same moment that we are busy feeding his brothers--sometimes with pant-clinging tendencies.  Many times, once we're done with them, he's more than content to play on his own.

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To: There's nothing worse than when both twins and/or both twins AND Blake are all crying and want attention NOW.  How's a good mom/dad supposed to choose?  (Usually this circumstance results in mom crying too.)

I'm a Milking Machine: At least it feels like it.  Two out of every three hours I'm either nursing the twins, pumping, or feeding them a bottle of expressed breast milk.  No wonder I feel like I resemble the black and white animals from Grandpa Simon's dairy farm!

Hormone City: Yes, coming down from twice as many hormones running through my body is twice as evident as it was when I was post-partum from a singleton birth.  Thank God Raleigh believes I'm not going to stay this way and as far as I know, hasn't yet packed any bags.

Despite the above, we are incredibly happy and grateful to have three amazing, beautiful, and healthy boys.  Team E^5 will prevail and soon (I hope), be thriving once again!

Please continue to pray for our family:

• That we continue to make this transition to a family of five with much grace and love...and patience--with ourselves and our children.
• For Ethan's heart, that it heals itself and requires no surgery or other medical treatment.
• For Blake's brain, that the upcoming MRI (to check on things since it's now been a year after his traumatic birth) reveals that everything is working perfectly and (God-willing), that there is no evidence of any of those infant infarcts!
• That we are able to find great child care for our kiddos for my return back to work, and soon!

A Love Note?

Blake crawls all over the place now, and his hands are on anything he can reach.  Every day he spends some time in our bedroom, as Raleigh and I are getting ready in the morning, putting away clothes, or preparing for bedtime at night.  He checks out our closet, inspects any baskets or bags on the floor, stands at the middle drawer in our master bathroom (and pulls out what bottles/containers he can reach), etc.  He literally is EVERYWHERE.

One of his regular stops is the little bookshelf in the corner of the bedroom, next to (generally) my side of the bed.  For weeks he's pulled out several books (which I lovingly put back into place once he's done), thumbed through them, and left them on the floor.

But lately . . . it's only been one book he's pulled out and left.  And once he pulls it, he seems to be satisfied and moves on his trek across the rest of our space.  He doesn't flip through the pages or attempt to rip off the cover.  He just pulls it out and moves on.

I had noticed I'd been putting the same book back for over a week now, but really didn't put much thought into it.  That is, until Raleigh said something last night as we were preparing for bed, and he had picked up the book from the floor.

"Have you noticed that Blake's only been pulling this book lately, In the Arms of Angels?"

"Yeah," I said, stopping to think about it.  "That was the book I took with me to South Dakota and read to Grandma just a few weeks before she flew away."  (The book is a collection of real-life stories of folks who believe they've encountered angels here on Earth.  Click here to read about the amazing story about Grandma when she flew away--a miracle in its own right!)

"I know," he said.  "I just wonder if she or God is trying to tell us something."

---

So this morning as Blake is wandering around the room and I'm doing my thing getting dressed and ready for the day, my eye catches as he wanders to the bookshelf and without thinking, pulls the book from the shelf, places it on the floor behind him, and then quickly crawls away.

I sit down on the floor, slide him next to me, and ask him why he keeps choosing to check out this special book.

"Is there a particular section you want me to read?" I ask.  He stares at me with big eyes, pacifier in his mouth, turns and travels on.  "Ok," I thought, "maybe not."

I went ahead and opened the book somewhere in the middle, and began reading.  Here are the first words that I see/read: 

There is an old saying that before a baby is born,

God kisses its soul.

And as its guardian angel bears it earthward to its little body,

he sings.

Is there, in my subconscious self,

still a dim memory of that kiss,

a faint echo of that song?

That's it.  I could read no more.  My eyes were brimming with tears.

Especially once I became pregnant with Blake (which was only a  few weeks after she left us), I've felt that Grandma Ruth was definitely watching over us (and him specifically) as one of his guardian angels.  And I felt her presence more than I can tell you when we watched over his little body as he lay on the cooling bed in the NICU, unsure of what the future held for our family.  And now, as I prepare to welcome two more (and still unsure of many things), I often talk to her, certain that she is watching over her next two great-grandsons as well.

I don't know exactly what she may be attempting to tell me, other than "Yes, we are here . . ." But even that--as we enter these last couple weeks and face all sorts of fears and uncertainty, as we work to hold onto faith and hope that all will be well--is a great message of great love.  We are not alone in this journey, and of THAT I am most certain.

The hardest part . . .

What can I say? We are BLOWN AWAY.

When we found out we were expecting twins, we of course immediately started thinking of all that we would need in order to adequately prepare ourselves and our home for the addition of two more Elstuns. And as I've mentioned before, we were scared. Caring for one child is challenging enough, but two more? And so soon? Could we really do it? With regards to finances specifically, would we really be ok?

In so many ways, it felt like God was giving us more than we would be able to handle.

So when we announced we were expecting twins, we were both humbled and surprised at the outpouring of support we have received . . . and without us even asking!

Diaper drives and a double stroller fund. Hand-me-down clothes and crib sheets. Cash. Gift cards. Promises of meals post-babies (this is Raleigh's favorite!). New clothes and toys. Coupons. Beautiful cards of well wishes and offers to come over and help with laundry, cooking, cleaning, babysitting . . . whatever we need. (Even a secret "help-keep-Kim-off-her-feet-and-keep-these-boys-cooking" campaign orchestrated by my loving husband.) Even very thoughtful gifts to include Blake, in celebration of him becoming an older brother.

We've received gifts from family, from friends, from friends of friends, from coworkers, from Blake's current day care provider, from complete strangers even (truly--people we've never even heard of!).

All that being said, why is receiving gifts/support sometimes so difficult?

• My cousin offered to host a "shower by mail" for out of town family and friends. I said she didn't have to, yet she did anyways.
• Some of my coworkers have insisted on throwing me a shower for the boys, however I adamantly refused. Finally talking them down to a "sprinkle" to be held during an already-scheduled community lunch hour, they've agreed (but have lovingly told me to "get over" their refusal of my request for a "downplayed" celebration).
• I've caught myself answering folks' offers for help or gifts with "Oh, you don't have to do that!" or "That's so sweet of you, but we'll be ok . . ." as if my polite rejection of their kind offer will somehow spare them a burden of doing something they want to . . . (silly, huh?).

We've said "thank you" and are genuinely grateful for all that folks are doing for us (trust me, it does relieve some of the feelings of overwhelm we've quickly become accustomed to), yet Raleigh and I have agreed--this is hard. RECEIVING support can be hard and has definitely made us uncomfortable on a variety of levels. But why?

I cannot tell if it is a worthiness thing (we feel like we are undeserving of such attention and acts of great love), or if it is a guilt thing (knowing we just did this a year ago for Blake's birth), or if it's something else?

We are usually on the giving end of the equation, and find great joy in that (even when we give anonymously); it's just who we are and what we believe. To find ourselves on the other end has been quite a change though, and truly, we have been humbled. This is a growing process for sure, and there is no doubt we are loved.

Sigh. So continue on we will, and are grateful for all that comes our way. And as difficult as it may be, we will work to intentionally push aside any thoughts that discount our worthiness to receive anything given to us by those who love and care for our family.

Sometimes, that can be the hardest part . . .

So in an effort to embrace that plan (despite my difficulty in doing so), here goes--the ask: We still want (and need) support.

First and foremost, we need prayers. For the boys to continue growing well inside my belly until week 37 (which starts on 2/15), when they can be born healthy and strong via a delivery process that is smooth and perfect as well.  (I have had a few contractions over the past few days, and realize it's my body's way of telling me to SLOW DOWN.  Prayers that I do this well, as that's not something a go-getter like me often does naturally.)

For help. I have NO IDEA what it will look like to have newborn twins at home, and am not really sure if I can "prepare" for that reality. I think in some ways, we'll just have to figure it out as we live through it, and appreciate the offers (and follow-through!) of those who are willing to walk alongside us during that time as well. (One specific request I know we'll have--which was VERY helpful after we came home with Blake--was prepared meals for us to eat, so we didn't have to spend too much time in the kitchen or at the grocery store. Raleigh in particular is hoping we will be blessed as well as we were last time in this area!)

Whew!  I did it!  :)

Now to continue to rest and be grateful for (and welcome with open arms) all the gifts/blessings we have in our lives--people like YOU included!