Warning Lights

It was the second time in two months that I'd been pulled over for a driving infraction, and although my record prior to these instances was nearly unremarkable, the hit stung hard.

After balling my eyes out in the car (my go-to method for stress relief), I texted Raleigh to tell him the news. I knew I couldn't yet talk about it, but wanted him to know.

He called shortly after I got to work, anxious to soothe the frazzled spirit of his frustrated and embarrassed wife.  "It will be ok," he tried to convince me.  "Really.  It's just paperwork."

"I know, I know," I said flatly, still holding back tears.  He could hear it in my voice.  My pride was hurt and the checks on my mental checklist of how-this-mistake-is-going-to-cost-us was ticking off in my head.

In one quick sentence Raleigh cut to my core and reminded me why the morning's actions hurt so bad: "Sweetie, give yourself some grace.  It's ok to fail."

Ouch.  There it was.

I've always done well at succeeding--numerous awards during my school years, Valedictorian of my high school class, world travel as a curious and courageous college student, different accolades and promotions at work, home ownership at the young age of 21, leadership positions in various organizations and honors for volunteer work I've done.  I've been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember, and anything I put my name to usually reflects those intentions. Yet I've also learned over the years one of the biggest motivators for me to do so well in so many areas of my life was/is a fairly big fear of failure.  I didn't want to be wrong or not good enough, and so I did everything I could in my power to be right and/or "good enough" to be publicly praised and valued.  It's silly, I know (no one is perfect and I'm loved anyways!) and yet it's something I work towards remembering each and every day.  And as my partner, Raleigh knows this about me and lovingly draws my attention to this fact whenever I tend to forget.

Still, I found Raleigh's continued suggestion rather annoying:: "Remember, we want the boys to learn that experiencing failure is ok." (I know he doesn't mean to dig in an already sore wound, but really?!)

Sigh.

He's right.  And the reminder is one I desperately needed to hear.  I would have liked the trigger to be something a little less painful (no police officers involved, please), however it is what it is and I screwed up. That doesn't mean I have to beat myself up or crawl into a hole in shame (although I certainly felt like that was a reasonable option this morning), or that I am any less of a person, wife, mother, friend, daughter, employee, etc. because of my mistakes.  And I am loved regardless.

So . . . it's time for one of those shifts in perspective:

Despite our hardships (and some of them have been HARD), Raleigh and I have maintained a strong and faithful marriage. I take pride in our choice to raise our boys as we are (they really are good kids) and how we're managing to "keep it together" despite the constant chaos and worldly stressors we regularly find loading our plate.  On that same note, I can take pride in knowing what I am doing "right" even if I am quite unsure what I am doing half of the time and am screwing up the other half of the time. I am proud of our boys and use feedback we get from friends, family, and strangers alike that we're doing an ok job, and take the boys' efforts to offer forgiveness, help around the house, and their general happy and energetic demeanor as evidence that they're doing well and thriving under our care.  My house is not the cleanest (by any means!), and I don't remember the last time I was able to get everyone's clothes folded and put away in closets and drawers.  However, I do manage to keep clean countertops in the kitchen and toys are contained to the living room and the boys bedrooms (and bathtub and couch cushions and coat pockets--but that's another story).  And I have a handle on laundry enough to guarantee there are clean clothes to wear somewhere in the house.  My kids are generally well-behaved (at least in public) and seem to be hitting their developmental milestones on target.  Not necessarily in this order, they also appear to be learning about love, forgiveness, Jesus Christ, what it means to be family, and how to resolve conflict.  (That last one as of late has been the most challenging, with many efforts made to encourage healthy conflict resolution . . .)  Our life is at this point in time at least, one of busyness and nonstop movement.  Yet it is also one of great love and forgiveness.

So maybe these flashing lights are telling me more than to slow down and pay close attention to my (physical) surroundings.  Maybe they are a humbling (and uncomfortable) reminder that I am not perfect.  And more so, that I can forgive myself because I don't have to be.

Word Up

For a third year in a row, I've decided to "word up" and choose a single word to guide me through the coming year.  Instead of a traditional New Year's resolution that tends to fall flat over time or a stated goal that can easily be forgotten once achieved, I select a word to inspire and encourage me throughout the next 12 months.  I choose very carefully, as I've learned words are very powerful and once the universe is aware of what one is looking for, things play out in such a way that allows that very word to take root and become something greater than just a few letters on a page.

Fueled by my first two years--where TRUST gave me a run for my money in terms of holding faith when I could not see and when I had absolutely no control over matters that were incredibly big and scary--and JOYFUL supported me in taking a step back to see and appreciate all the wonderful people and things I am blessed to have in my life --I knew that this year's choice would be pivotal.  So I thought about it, and I prayed about it.  And I thought about it some more.  I mulled over several options in my head and heart, and yet kept going back to the one that came to me first: EMBRACE.

I really wrestled this time, and even after the clock ticked over to 12:00a on January 1st, I wasn't certain I'd chosen well.  However the longer I sit with my choice I do believe it is likely to serve me well this next year.  It isn't very glamorous or poetic, and it really doesn't "feel" as well as my previous words did, but I think that may just be the point and embracing my new word (no pun intended) may very well support me in making the future less stressful and uncomfortable.

You see, big things are happening for my family this year and as we get closer to certain milestones and events taking place, I find myself digging my heels in and holding back, wanting to postpone the changes that are sure to come my way.  I am not comfortable where I am and these changes--although challenging in both preparation and the moment of execution--are sure to take me closer to where I want to be with regards to finances, family, time, etc.  So why is it so easy to resist?  When I know the eventual outcome will be good, why do I choose to prolong the pain when I could just as easily choose to take action and end it more quickly?  If I spent half the effort to get what I want that I spend on pushing the pause button or temporarily closing the door I know I will need (and want) to walk through, I dare say my life would look much different. What exactly am I waiting for?

So 2015 is my year to EMBRACE.  To embrace the changes coming my way, to welcome them enthusiastically and as such, stop fighting the inevitable.  To participate more wholly in the solutions to my problems instead of resisting them with such vigor and/or pushing them them away for a future confrontation.  To embrace the relationships in my life that are difficult, and that I know are not likely to change any time soon; to accept them as they are and focus more seriously on healing what portions of those (and myself) I can.  To embrace the way things are--not in a complacent, whatever happens, happens way--but in a more peaceful and positive, here-I-am-and-here's-what-I-have-to-work-with way; to encourage myself to take more action in getting what I want, versus swimming in the same pool of "I wonder if..." or "I wish..." with future plans always staying in "someday" land.

To embrace all that this year has to offer.  I'm ready; let's go!

My First Fix

There it was this evening, nestled up tight against the door, waiting for me to get home from work and unleash the possibilities--my first Fix!

Stitch Fix is . . . well, an experience!  It is a mail order/shopping experience where you fill out a very thorough profile online and then pay $20 for a stylist to read said profile, and pick out five clothing (and/or accessory) items for you.  They are sent by mail.  You keep what you want with your $20 being credited towards your total purchase (25% off if you keep all five items) and return those you don't want in a prepaid envelope/bag within 3 business days.  Keep nothing and all you lose is the $20 styling fee.  Provide feedback to your stylist about her selections for you, and help them "fine-tune" your next Fix to be even better than the last!

No malls.  No digging through racks or scouring stores.  No maneuvering a double stroller through tight aisles or trying to keep three wandering explorers from climbing clothing racks or under dressing room stalls.  No searching for the right size or feeling the pressure of just taking it to try on at home, knowing full well the return will be just as painful as the purchase.

In thinking about what I might  do with my selections (details below) and whether or not each was worthy of purchase, I realized my feelings about this experience are worth considering as well.  I mean, I haven't been this excited for clothing in a VERY long time and haven't been this excited about shopping for myself in, well, EVER!  Even Raleigh told me he's had fun watching me talk about my upcoming Fix and then watching me tear into the box with such anticipation and joy.  I don't know if it's the fact that the box is a mystery with the contents being a great surprise, if I'm just that excited to get something new and different from what I've already got in my closet (can you say BORING?!), or if I've just been curious to see if someone who doesn't know me, can really "know" me.  Regardless, waiting for my box and then exploring the contents has been a blast.  And I think that is worth something right there.

So what was inside?  Here you go:

My sylist's name is Jenna.  Her note to me said that she gave me versatile pieces I could dress up or down (a request I'd made in my profile) and that helped me look "put together" without even trying (another request, being a busy mom of three littles).  I was excited to see what she picked out for me!

Item #1--Callie Denim Jacket ($74)
Thoughts:  LOVED the jacket at first glance, and thought--Jenna nailed it!  This is totally me!  Saw the price and lost great enthusiasm to keep searching through the box.
Verdict: Unsure.  With consideration to the fact that the jean jacket I wear now was purchased for my 8th grade class photos (yes, really!) and has seen better days with regards to wear, I think it is time to perhaps purge an old object for a new one.  And as Raleigh pointed out, even if I keep this jacket far less than I have the other one (say, only 5 years), I'll be paying just about $1.25 per month. Taking that into consideration, the cost of the jacket doesn't seem so great. Suddenly, I'm seriously considering the jacket again as it doesn't seem quite so expensive.

 Item #2--Henderson Mixed Stripe Knit Shirt ($68)
Thoughts: Also loved this, and felt like it was a great fit for my style/personality.  And it is very unlike anything I already own, so liked that.  It has a cute notch in the back that makes the shirt a bit "flirty" per Raleigh's description, and the offset stripes are positioned just right so as to make the shirt more slimming than I'd have thought.
Verdict: Keep!

Item #3--Edmond Chevron Print Henley Shirt ($54)
Thoughts: I wasn't a fan of the shirt right off the bat--it seemed to "printy" and just not the right cut for me.  However, in trying it on, I liked the rounded cut along the bottom (not visible in the photo) as well as the cuffed 3/4 half sleeves.  It is a push for me (style-wise), however I think I could feel really good in it with a grey pair of dress slacks or a fitted pair of jeans.
Verdict: I'm going to give it a go; keep!

Item #4--Lauree 3/4 Sleeve Vneck Drape Dress ($68)
Thoughts: I like the basic style of this dress and color, however the midline was a bit too high to feel or look "right" on me.  Raleigh wasn't too excited about it (said that it didn't give me much shape) and I agree.
Verdict: Return.

Item #5--Gustav Textured V-Neck Sweater ($68)
Thoughts: The color is great and the texture is soft and unique!  In putting it on, however, there are many spaces between the sweater fibers, which I can see getting pulled on by little fingers (and eventually ripped).  Furthermore, I didn't like the way the sweater just hung on me with very little shape or contouring.
Verdict: Return.

So to summarize, here's what I like:

• The "no shopping" shopping experience.  No stress, no fuss.  No wrangling kids.  No taking time out of my busy day to go on a fashion hunt that may or may not be fruitful.
• The style cards.  These are worth a few bucks right here as I am not great at pairing fashion items together.  Thankfully, the cards take the guessing work out of it and give me great ideas on how to wear each piece with items I might already own.
• All but one piece (the red sweater) was made in the USA.  I like knowing I'm supporting US manufacturing versus foreign companies.
• Material/fit.  Sizes were true and everything (save the blue dress) seemed to fit well.  And everything (minus the denim jacket) is SUPER soft to the touch.  I wanted to rub myself all over the fabric is so comfortable.

Here's what I wish was different:

• Timing.  I ordered my Fix nearly 6 full weeks before it arrived.  I wish it came a little bit sooner after I'd ordered it, although waiting did add to the anticipation factor of its arrival.
• Cost.  I selected "the cheaper, the better" option on my online profile, so I'm guessing this is standard pricing for their lowest cost items.  If I were to keep all five pieces, the cost would have been $234 which averages to about $47 per piece.  Definitely more than I'd spend on clothing anywhere else, but then again, I have to remind myself this isn't only about about the physical clothes--my time and well-being (low stress) is worth something too.  As much as it hurts the pocket book, so as long as the clothes are of good quality, I'm game to pay a little bit more once and awhile.

I do think that I'll order another Fix, likely to come sometime after the first of the year.  (I'd like to see what comes this Christmas though, first.)  I'll let my stylist know what worked for me this round, and what I'd like to see different in the next batch.  And then we'll see what comes!

Oh, and should anyone want to order their own Fix, please do let me know so I can share my referral code with you, or click HERE to visit my Stitch Fix referral page.  I'll get $20 towards my next Fix, which is totally awesome!

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma Ruth,

Happy Birthday!  Although you would have been 88 down here yesterday, my guess is time doesn't quite work the same way up there and that instead of slowing down with your feet, you've only become quicker with your wings.  (Which is good, because my three little earthly angels are FAST and their Guardian Angels have to keep steady watch!)

It's been nearly 3.5 years since you flew away, yet in some ways I feel closer to you now than I did when you were walking this Earth with us.  See, I've thought of you COUNTLESS times since I last saw you in the flesh, and have felt your presence more times than not.  I'm sure you've noticed, however sometimes when I feel I overwhelmed or in need of a hug from you or Grandpa Emil, I wear the ring you gave me on my wedding day--a sign of a love much greater and bigger than myself.  Knowing that it was his gift to you on your 35th wedding anniversary (and that you wanted to bestow that gift to me) fills my heart with so much joy and love, I cannot explain!  The ring is a remembrance that even with all you and Grandpa endured, 35 (or rather, 55!) years was/is possible and however young in the journey, I am on my way to creating such a legacy of my own . . .

Speaking of legacy . . . HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU DO THIS?!  And by "this," I mean parenting a gaggle of children?  I mean, I'm only up to three but these three keep me on my toes more often than a world class ballerina.  I cannot imagine how life was like with 14 running/crawling/driving/jumping/walking around . . . seriously!

It may look like we're holding it together pretty well from up there, but then again, if that's the perspective you have, then I'm guessing you can also see how often we struggle.  When it comes to parenting, I feel like I'm failing miserably most of the time, and am praying that no one discovers what great frauds we are at this mom and dad stuff.  Yet, I do have hope that if you and Grandpa could manage to raise 14 happy and healthy children, that somehow Raleigh and I won't screw our kids up too bad and there is a chance we will leave a legacy in our children we can be proud of.

Thank you for watching over us, Grandma, and for the inspiration you give me even now, from the clouds.  I hope your birthday was heavenly (I know, cheesy pun) and look forward to feeling your presence again soon.  I hope I am making you (and Grandpa) proud . . .

All my love,
~Kimberly

The Question

Today we were walking to our car after mass at the same time a group of older folks were heading towards church.  We didn't really notice them until they yelled across the parking lot with the question.  The question that we get asked A LOT.  We didn't even have to look around to see if they were possibly talking to anyone else, as once we heard the question, we knew.

"Are they triplets?!"

Now, I will admit I can see how from a distance perhaps, it appears that our boys could share the same birthday.  They are all blonde and of about the same weight and height.  However there are some MAJOR differences that I think would indicate that no, they are not triplets.  First of all, the twins are identical and (especially to folks who don't see them often) look VERY MUCH alike.  Blake looks completely different; his hair is darker, he is still at least a head taller than the other two, and weighs more as well.  And as he should, he's also developmentally well beyond where they are with regards to walking/running/climbing/etc. and talking.  These are all characteristics that if observed, would give great clues to the truth that the boys are not triplets.  Brothers, probably, but triplets?  No.

That being said, how am I to answer this question?

If I say, "Yes," that'd be a lie.  I don't want to lie.

If I say, "No, just twins," I am downplaying how special Carson and Ethan are while negating the fact that Blake even exists as a member of our family.  I'm not cool with that.

If I say, "No, twins and an older brother," (over time this has become my most common response), the response on the other end is usually an obviously (and audibly) disappointed, "Oh."  And then the person(s) who asked the initial question usually go on their way without any other word or comment, their fascination with our trio suddenly as limp and as flat as a balloon that was just popped.

And THAT response--that walking away with obvious disappointment--quite frankly, is what REALLY bothers me.  I find it incredibly rude and selfish when (while minding our own business) we are approached (or like today, simply called out) to question us about the boys' multiples status (of all things?!) and upon learning the truth--that we have three incredibly handsome, smart, energetic, healthy, and happy boys, two of which happen to be identical twins, but all three miracles nonetheless--decide our family isn't of enough value to continue talking to.  I guess we're on the tipping point of being an oddity of freakshow status; we are an anomaly, but not far enough outside the realm of "normal" to be of value for further conversation or even basic friendliness.  What are the children to make of this response?  What might they start making up about themselves if this response is the one they see repeated the most often, from folks who don't even really know them?

I get it.  People are curious.  And twins/triplets/quads, etc. are interesting and exciting.  And if I saw a family with several young kids all about the same age walking across the street, I'd probably wonder if they were multiples.  But I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to ask the family that, and/or posture it the way most do, without any other greeting or relationship-establishing language.  I mean, really, can't we first set even basic framework for some sort of friendly interaction, such as "Good afternoon" or "Hello"?!

I wish people would see us as more than just the family with twins (or "triplets"), as we are much, much more.  And the boys are much more too.  Each is amazing in his own right, and incredibly different (and special!) from the other two.  Blake is more than just the older brother of twins.  And Carson and Ethan are more than just one half of a pair.  All three make up a tight band of brothers (I pray they stay that way!), and are not just a slice of the Raleigh/Kim Elstun pie cut into thirds.

I have learned to respond to the comment, "You certainly have your hands full!" with "Joyfully so, yes!" or "They are, but our hearts are bursting!" in an effort to shine the truth on the status of our family--busy yet loving, chaotic yet beautiful.  I haven't yet come up with such a clever response to the triplets question, and know that regardless, we're likely to continue to get "the question," at least for a while.  I hope that no matter what, I can answer in a way that acknowledges each of the boys as the special little men they are, both individually and as part of our family.  After all, they each are incredibly amazing.

Go, Team E^5!

Johnny Carson

On our way home from our SD/ND/MN trip last month, we passed through Norfolk, Nebraska.

While driving on Johnny Carson Boulevard . . .

Me: Did you notice we passed Johnny Carson's childhood home on our way in?

Raleigh: No, I didn't.  Hey, did you know my grandma once dated Johnny Carson?

Me: I think you told me that once before.

Raleigh: Just think--if things had worked out, we could have a Carson Carson.

Me: If our last name was "Carson," I don't think Carson would have been a first name option for any of our children.  In fact, I don't think you would be a "Raleigh" since Raleigh is an Elstun family name.  You probably would have been a "Johnny Jr." or something like that.

Which, come to think about it, means I probably couldn't have married you.

Raleigh: So it's a good thing things worked out the way they did?

Me: I think so.

Raleigh (while glancing at the rear-view mirror to see three smiling boys): Yeah, I do too.  :)

Six Months, One Year, Two Years

Wow.  Time moves so fast.  And yet at times, the opposite seems true.

These past two weeks have held much emotion for me, as I've pondered where we were 6 months, one year, and also two years ago . . .

SIX MONTHS AGO

I went from hospital to hospital for this:

and this:

I prayed.  I held hands.  I cried.  I paced the hallways.  I didn't sleep, yet I was exhausted beyond description.  I prayed some more.  I shouted at the walls in angry rants.  I prayed.  I was overwhelmed and unsure.  I cried even more.  I asked questions.  And I prayed. My heart hurt.

And now, six months later, I get to experience this:

ONE YEAR AGO

I went from this:

to this:

I knew life was going to change come February, but that's about all I knew.  The boys came and I couldn't see straight. I wasn't sleeping. (Ok I WAS sleeping, but in increments too short and too few to really count.) I was head over heels in love with the two newest members of our family, and yet I was miserable at the same time. I was overwhelmed to the point where it felt like I was drowning on dry land. I had everything I ever wanted--and yet didn't want--at the same time. My heart hurt.

And now, one year later, I get to experience this:

TWO YEARS AGO

I went from this:

to this:

In what felt like seconds our world was turned upside-down, and not in the way we had imagined or hoped for. I was scared. I didn't sleep. I cried. I spent countless hours simply watching and praying, and praying and watching. I would sneak kisses when the nurses weren't looking and dreamed of the day I could hold my happy, healthy little boy. I held little fingers and sobbed into the chest of a strong husband who was as scared and as uncertain as I.  I was overwhelmed.  I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.  My heart hurt.

And now, two years later, I get to experience this:

So much can happen, so fast.  I may have plans and I can dream, however the Lord only knows where I will be six months, one year, and two years from now. 

And no matter what I face, I can be sure of one thing--God is bigger.